My younger sister is pregnant. I am divorced and without any hope of a family (in the near future or beyond). When I was married, my then husband can’t have children so I had accepted I wouldn’t ever have that in my life. And I was okay with it. But now... I am going to be an aunt and I am realizing how much I want a family. I’ve always done everything “right”. Got a good degree, have a good career, got married to a responsible man. But, my job has been awful lately due to budget cuts and my ex became controlling and took a job where I saw him 4 days a month and after a few years of that I just broke down. Now I’m single, drowning in debt from the divorce (attorneys are expensive and so is having assets frozen for two years) and I find out my sister who has no degree, was working a part time job and still living with my parents, is pregnant. And everyone is happy for her. I’m happy for her.

But I also feel like....why am I trying? Why do I try to do the right thing. People around me are having kids and making mistakes and not paying bills and messing up at work and they’re ok. They are happy. And me.....I’m not. I want to stop caring. To be ok with not being perfect. My whole life everyone has told me to try harder, be better, stay stronger. That I wasn’t anything until I had letters behind my name and a nice house and nice car and al that BS. I’m tired of that. I want to stop caring about that. To be able to live my own life.. and stop caring about everyone else. I am envious of those around me who are not pressured to be that but I am also anxious. Even when it seemed like I had everything, I felt like I had nothing. And now that I have nothing, I want something.

I just want to stop caring. And live my life. Not worry about the consequences. And stop being afraid. I want to stop waiting for the right time to do things. I want to stop living this life my parents told me I should. Because now I’m just broken and my sister who lived on her own standards and didn’t care about anything else is now happy. She has purpose. And I feel lost.

I know that’s not a reason to go out and have a baby tomorrow. Obviously. But I hate that it’s not even on my radar. Because In my pursuit of everything I have run my train so ragged I don’t know when I can be in that place. But also- she wasn’t in that place. But of course the father has a good job and is taking care of her.

I’m just sad. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.