Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdDancer
Well, I called my father who is again in the hospital. As I feared, I started to yell at him because he continues to lie, lie, lie, and act like a juvenile, and say that he's going to repeat the same insanity again. In the end, I told him that I cannot call him again or visit him until he is out of the hospital and sober, and seeking intensive psychiatric and addictions support. I did apologize for yelling at him, but told him that we cannot accept his continued behavior. I asked him why all of this upsets my siblings and I so much. He said "Because you love me." Well, of course!
I called my brother afterwards, and then my sister, and told them that I will not be calling or visiting our dad at the hospital. I've got to say I feel intensely bad for my brother. I told my brother that, but that I need to take care of my own mental well being. I thanked him profusely for what he's been doing and reminded him that he can come to my house any time, as much as he wants, and I will do my best to support HIM (my brother). I reminded him that my sister would surely do the same. My brother has gotten intensely upset, too, and has likely yelled at and lectured my father even beyond what I have. My sister is much more level tempered. I did ask if my sister could find a way to talk to our dad's doctors. Right now, neither she nor I have the permission. She knows better what questions to ask them, compared to my brother. Unfortunately, my sister has had to deal with both an alcoholic (my b-i-l) and a very mentally unwell son, who tragically took his own life because of bipolar depression. The latter event will always be a severe wound in the hearts and minds of us all.
It is intensely difficult to see a parent slowly killing themselves. My siblings and I don't know how much longer our father can keep this up. He's in his late 70s and looks extremely unwell, has more difficulty walking, and many other scary signs. I've written this before, but I want something to happen differently.
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(((((( BirdDancer ))))))
I wish I could sit with you and listen for as long as you'd wish to share.
You are in what is commonly seen as an "impossible situation."
I went through very similar challenges and heartbreak with my father and with my brothers. It was so often upsetting, frustrating and incredibly sad. I could never understand why anyone would continue to do things which had brought great sadness to others, while knowing there had already been heartwrenching tragedies within the family.
People are so often struggling with their own challenges (their illnesses, etc.). I'd had to learn that their choices and actions had nothing to do with me and did have much more to do with each of them and with their own struggles.
In the end, I have lost my father and two brothers to alcohol-related, mental health-related, causes. It's been very difficult to watch them destroy their lives. I had begged them to do otherwise. I have taken each of them to treatment centers over and over again, only to have them refuse to go into the facility, etc. I'd wanted so see them heal more than they were each invested in healing their lives.
While my efforts were occasionally appreciated, I'd made little to no impact for them and had provided very little of what they each had needed. They'd needed to desire to heal. This is not something we can give to someone else. We can encourage them, support them in any way we can do so; yet, we cannot give them the ability to forgive themselves and/or give them the will to live. They have to want it.
I share just to let you know that you are not alone. Our loved ones have been on horribly sad and self-destructive paths. It is incredibly sad as we watch them progress in their illness(es) and as we fear losing them. It is heart-wrenching.
It was especially difficult for me to "settle" with the death of my father. I loved him deeply; yet was often very disappointed in him and was very hurt, and terrorized, by him and by his choices.
I had felt very guilty about feeling relief he had died. It took me years to get over my intense guilt for feeling so relieved he was "gone."
You are doing the best you can do for you, for your husband, for your siblings, and for your life in general. You are doing your best to stay well and to carry on in a healthy manner. You cannot control anyone else, no matter how much you love them and you do care about them. You can only do the best you can do for yourself.
You are not alone in your heartache. I have a shoulder for you should you ever need one.
You are making very healthy choices.