Quote:
Originally Posted by TunedOut
Having been married for 31 years and having experienced many conflicts in my family, my POV is that your mother sounds wonderful. If she had taken sides against your dad (especially if it was in a very public way), it would have put a huge strain on her marriage with your dad. Your partner should understand this and also at least understand the position your mom is in.
Do you think there are any similiarities between your dad and your partner? My POV is that your partner's reaction (that he will have nothing to do with your dad) is a bit like your father's behavior.
How long ago did the incident take place? If you announce you are getting married to your parents, maybe your father would take the initiative to make a fresh start? If you get married then both your partner and your dad will have to learn to tolerate each other. Perhaps a formal wedding would help? Is your partner this "pig headed" on other issues? If he loves you, he should continue to try to tolerate your dad. Of course, if the incident was recently, maybe he just needs time to get over the hurt/anger that he feels over it. Of course, if you have children, my POV is that it is best for the children to have a relationship with all their grandparents.
I am sorry your partner is saying it's him or your parents.  He should be thinking of your feelings in this too. Unless he comes around, this will probably eventually happen in other situations too, so don't back down on this. Try to continue to talk about it with him. This is a situation where you and your partner have to come to some kind of compromise or he should at least be willing to acknowledge your feelings. I say this as a person who sometimes didn't confront my partner about issues because he was so stubborn. That I didn't confront him more directly was either because of my low self esteem or it caused low self esteem. When we fight for what we want and believe--it makes us much happier in the long run. Don't back down on this! Tell your partner exactly how this whole thing makes you feel until he at least acknowledges your feelings!    |
First, thank you for your post and the time you took to analyze my situation. I sincerely appreciate it!
My mom indeed is a wonderful woman. She has also been through a lot of stress because of my relationship, constantly trying to console both me and dad. You're right, if she sided with me, it would cause more strain on her relationship with my dad. I did explain this to my partner more than once, but I think he was just hurt and not thinking clearly.
I think I didn't express myself correctly in my first post. He never asked me to choose between him and my parents. All he said was that he didn't want anything to do with my parents and that I could see them and be there for them whenever I want, as long as he's not included. He only didn't want to have any contact with them.
I tell my partner that many times I feel like I'm talking to dad when he's talking to me. They both are very stubborn and this sucks the life out of me.
The incident took place eight months ago. I haven't been confronting him about it because I am giving him time to get over the anger and hurt that he feels.
He does care about my feelings and has always been very considerate especially when it comes to my relationship with my parents. He wants me to understand his and to respect that he doesn't want to be forced to speak to them. Having known him for three years, he is a good-hearted man and despite him telling me that he will never change his mind, I have hope that he would at least speak to my parents when the day comes and we announce that we want to get married, and not put me in a situation where I leave home without having my parents meet him. That would make things a lot worse. It would be like pouring oil on the fire. There should be at least a minimum of contact between them, they don't need to be best friends.
Thank you again!