I'm sorry that you hurt so much. No, I will not reject you for this. Maybe you have taken it farther than I have, but I can still relate to it. I used to go wandering the streets late at night wearing dark colored clothes, wishing for something to happen to me. I just didn't go so far as to actually make something happen or to call anyone, although I did show up on a friend's doorstep at 3:30 a.m. sometimes.

What you are doing is scary because it is putting you in danger, and I don't want anything bad to happen to you, especially and then not be able to get help because emergency responders don't listen to you anymore. Can you find a friend you can be safe with who could help you not to do this? It sounds like drinking is dangerous for you too, and if you can maybe you need to consider quitting. Talk to a doctor or therapist about your drinking, and what happens when you drink, as well as what makes you want to drink. You could be using alcohol to self-medicate, and you could get a better medicine than alcohol.

I'm glad that you felt like you could tell us about this. It must have been very hard for you to do.

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>