I hope so. I broke down and messaged her on Instagram and now she changed her page name entirely so it is truly over.

I am in so much pain. I didn't want to scare her off but I could not believe I could do nothing to fix it after she liked me so much.

I feel so broken I am afraid to to approach any woman ever again this is so brutal and horrifying. And it is so much worse than that because I met her because I went out to see music with my friend and now all of that side of my life is corrupted and ruined by my stupidity and recklessness.

And all my sports and bar rituals because she and I shared chatting while I was there. Also baseball because she told me she would have loved to go to a game date with me.

And my movie and tv life and music because she and I talked about tv. And theater because she saw a favorite play of hers while here and we chatted about that. Now every time I hear about that show or see its image anywhere I am reminded of my mistakes, same as when I walk through the theater district.

And all of my city because I met her when she visited here and I thought I would plan to visit her there in her city.

And my sex life and impulses are all completely shattered of course because all of this happened because I watched porn and sent it to her while I was watching. I guess maybe in my drunkenness I wanted to flood her with all of this and hope she would still like me. Maybe someday I will figure out why I would do such a destructive thing. But for now it just really hurts because it is all my fault.

And finally because all of this happened between me and her on my phone, every ding or beep of an alert, every phone call, every app I use, is tied to this colossal mistake of mine.

It is a completely global disaster for my life it is absolutely astonishing to me, there is no way to compartmentalize it and see a way to move on. It's a part of everything.

And tomorrow my work week starts, and I know how intrusive I was to her that day when she was at work.

I hate myself so much.