Day 7 without drinking or porn.
Still walking for miles listening to music trying to just exhaust myself by at least doing something not detrimental. Also finally had a full meal for the first time in about a week and saw a movie.
But I break down crying for her as soon as I get home. I am so sad and so guilty and so ashamed. And she has not unblocked me, and although her Instagram is public I don't want to try messaging her because I know that will just make things worse. This is probably the single worst thing I have ever done in my life in terms of irreversible mistakes. And I know everyone will say that is why you have to stop drinking. Which I get but the only reason I met her in the first place was because I went drinking while listening to some live music. So I guess in that sense I would never have met her and would not be missing her now had I never been drinker. But I don't want to have not met her. This is just horrible.

Anyway I will keep pressing on to the next day.