I havent gotten laid in almost a year. Sorry for the long post, I just need to vent. My last gf dumped me conveniently last christmas when I had an infection that sent me to the ER twice and left half my body paralyzed for a few weeks.
I dont drive, I'm scared of driving and now I'm scared of crossing the street [trigger]because the fire chief at the firehouse half a block away ran me over going 35mph a block from my house.[trigger] Dont ask me how it feels to fly, I was knocked unconscious for ~30 minutes and only remember waking up, looking at the sky and fumbling around in my jacket pocket for a cigarette.
Speaking of which, I'm trying to quit smoking. I say that everytime I finish a pack but I havent gone a full day without caving in yet.
I also went on a diet about a week ago. I'm going pescatarian again. I feel like if i dont have the stones to dispatch an animal myself i have no right to eat its meat. I loved spearfishing with friends in high school but now the only friend I do have is locked up for a year for being an idiot. Basically I have no problems killing fish so that's why I still choose to eat fish.
Anyway I'm trying to quit smoking and lose some weight in the hopes that someone will want to sleep with me again. Right now I'm 217lbs and my goal weight is my old weight of 145. Yeah, back a few years I was super skinny but I only got that way cause I was addicted to But I've quit doing all drugs when I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder after smoking weed at the bus stop down the street from my 1st girlfriends house. It was the worst episode of my life I was literally paralyzed with fear because
Now I'm in a good place mentally but now I get triggered by certain stereotypes or people talking pidgin loudly so i feel like a gigantic ***** with no spine and who wants to sleep with someone like that, mental issues and weight and smoking status aside.
And in my "prime" I wasnt all that good at talking to women. Women on online dating apps dont even reply to any message I send, and i put in a considerable amount of effort to these messages I'm sending out. I dont just go "hey, ____ how are you?" Or "hey, ____ got any plans this weekend?" I actually read their profiles and try to spark a conversation based off of shared interests and I get absolutely nothing.
Basically my strategy for meeting and hooking up with chicks was I'd go to a bar, find a girl and approach her and ask if anyones sitting next to her, if no I sit, wait a bit, maybe drink about half of whatever I'm having, give a couple glances and then ask some generic crap like, "did you just come from work?" And then go from there but now I dont go to bars, especially bars downtown it's just too seedy.
I was so frustrated over this that I started lurking around gay apps just to find SOMEONE to connect with. If the ladies weren't feeling me maybe the dudes would. Long story short I found someone and talked to him for about a week. He wanted to meet up this past weekend but I stood him up cause I couldnt lie to myself and fake it till I make it in this case.
So now I have no friends, no partner, just me, my immediate family, and my dog. Fat, mentally a mess, generally deemed un****able by every woman on dating apps and bound to live out my greatest fear- dying alone.