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sarahsweets · Sep 30, 2019, 12:48 PM

Hey @idkkkkkk
I have some thoughts on maybe what your dad is saying without saying when he says these things. Its just my opinion though.

Quote:

I graduated college almost a year ago and am moving out on Tuesday. Almost every time I talk about the move or my excitement for it, he will say something negative. I've heard:

"I'll give it six months and you'll come home."

He will miss you and wants you to stay under his control.

Quote:

"I'm worried about you getting a credit card, I know you aren't good with finances."

Still wants to control you including your freedom from him financially.

Quote:

"You're not an adult."

Invalidating, not accepting you are growing up, wanting to instill fear in you.

Quote:

"You don't have a credit score." When I replied that I do, and how else would I have been able to get an apartment, he said, "Anyone can do that. It's a rental."

Well, you know this is wrong if you have a place, do not give this one another thought.

Quote:

His response was that he can't say anything without me being upset, that he paid me through college and has done everything for me but apparently that's not enough. I told him I'm allowed to tell him when something hurts my feelings.

This is extremely invalidating. Holding his contribution to your future over your head is very controlling. If he had not paid for college would you still have found a way? I believe you would have.

Quote:

That's about it. He's mad right now and I'm a mixture of extremely sad and guilty. I started hyperventilating and (I think?) had an anxiety attack but I don't really know. I just feel numb right now. If only y'all knew how much stuff like this happens and how I just can't take it anymore.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I think leaving is the best thing you can do. And to lay a boundary for communication after you leave you may need to take more active steps. You may have to tell him that he can not speak to you like this, and if he does you will have to limit/avoid contact with him. Set this boundary once you are out of the house and hold him to it, however hard it will be. We teach people how to continue treating us. Once we realize how toxic a situation is and are shown the steps to remove ourselves and protect ourselves, it is our job to set the boundaries and stick to them. Some people only learn through pain and consequence. As an alcoholic in recovery I can tell you it was only pain and consequences that pushed me to change. If everyone continued to tolerate my behavior I wouldnt have changed.