I’ve struggled with my mental health since I was an adolescent. I was always describe as “sensitive”. I’m often told I catastrophize everything. I have backup plans to backup plans for everything. I obsess about situations and ideas sometimes. I do have mood swings. Depression is a challenge. I have experienced self-harm since adolescence and have been hospitalized for it. I have extreme attachment issues with relationships. I don’t ever hate anyone though. I’ve been divorced twice. I often feel rejected and seriously insecure.

My therapist diagnosed me with Bipolar II. I have been taking an antidepressant and mood stabilizer. But I still feel “wrong”.

My boyfriend told me a few days ago he googled it and thinks I have BPD. Of course google is not ever a good idea. I was initially insulted and my feelings were hurt. This happens a lot. My feelings get hurt really easily in romantic relationships. Well- let’s face it— all relationships. But I am comfortable enough to say something in my personal relationships.

On the outside I am functional. I have a full time job, I pay all my bills, I am well spoken and stable. I am the steady one that everyone else comes to for help and support. I support everyone else.

But I can’t support myself emotionally. Behind closed doors I am impulsive, prone to anger or sadness, spend too much $, and irrationally obsess with certain things. I want to be perfect.

I guess I’m just lost. I read the symptoms sticky and it resonates. I am generally stable as it relates to day to day living. I am responsible; sometimes to a fault. I don’t smoke. I don’t drink. I track my health. I am conscious of my diet. And I take it personally if someone I know doesn’t act like this. I have decent credit (my 2nd divorce tapped me out though). I have multiple vehicles, run a horse training business on the side of my day job. I keep myself super busy because when I’m not busy I lose myself.

In relationships I’m just a mess. I need constant validation. And once someone says something harsh or hurtful, I can’t stop from it hurting me. Especially when my beau leaves during arguments. He gets in his car and I just lose it. If I get lied to, I perseverate.

Does this make any sense? I have an upcoming appointment with my therapist. But I’m sitting here obsessively thinking about what my beau said and it’s driving me mad. I do that— get stuck on these feelings. That most folks wouldn’t think twice about. I trust everyone innately. To a fault. But I also distrust them. I once had an abusive ex and I felt bad when I got him thrown in jail for beating me up.

Sorry word rant going here. I’m feeling keyed up now.