I was really nervous when I had the appointment. I am not super comfortable with the idea of a male T and he's my pastor so it was a little weird anyway. I know he does CBT and I'm not a huge fan so I didn't know what to expect about that either. So I went into his office and sat down. He started out by asking me a few questions about when my depression started, and how long I had been in therapy. He didn't say it outright, but he seemed kind of judgey that I had been in therapy for 10 years with former T. We talked about issues of faith. What my beliefs are. The thing that really got to me was that he said, no matter how bad you think you are, you are way worse. You can't even imagine how bad you are. I know where he was coming from, theologically, that in Christianity we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God. That and the total depravity of mankind since the fall. I get it. But I already struggle with feeling bad, so that ratcheted up those feelings like 110% It also contradicts regular T who has been trying to get me to not see myself as bad, but to see myself as good. I know where she is coming from too. He said my faith is my strongest ally in the fight against my depression. And he said he wants to make God more real to me, more tangible. He says I have a lot of head knowledge about Christianity and the Bible but it's at war with my depression and I have to choose who I believe. Do I believe what God says or do I believe what my feelings say. I said it is both at different times. I can fight what I feel with scriptures and stuff at times, but other times the feelings win out. He talked about the SH. He asked me where I cut. I told him that I primarily cut my arms. He asked when it started. I told him when I was nine or ten, around the same time that the depression started. He said we have to be careful because talking about this kind of stuff could potentially make self harm worse. Um, yeah, no kidding. That was one thing that regular T said, that she didn't want anything to destabilize me with the SH about seeing Pastor T. He asked me about the last time I SH-ed which was about a month and a half ago. The homework he gave me was to get this book and read the introduction. Also to find 15-20 verses about the love of God and cross out where it talks about generally like us or they and replace it with me or my name. And to imagine myself being held by Jesus on the cross while I had my quiet time. He said I see myself as a failure and that I am one. And that I have low self esteem. He said that I am utterly and completely loved by God. I looked away from him when he said that so he said that I don't totally believe it. So I made a conscious effort to keep eye contact with him the rest of the session. He also says I say we a lot when I mean me. And that is a way of distancing myself from the pain. We scheduled for next week. I went home and felt so bad about what he said about me being bad and being a failure that I wanted to cut my my chest and throat and stomach. But I knew if I did that, regular T would not be pleased at all because she said she did not want CBT to destabilize me. So I just kind of pushed those feelings down. I felt like if I am so bad then I need to be punished and I deserve to be punished. But I had to fight that with thoughts of being loved by God regardless of my worth. But that part of the session really didn't do me any good because I already think I'm bad and horrible and to have someone else validate that, especially an authority figure, really messed with my head. I know what he was saying theologically, rationally, logically. But the emotions that came up were just horrendous. I still feel destabilized today. I don't know if I am going to like therapy with him. I get what he is trying to do intellectually. And maybe I have to be more broken before I can be healed. But I don't think he really believes in healing. I think he believes that we have to accept our brokenness so we can accept the grace of God more fully. IDK. I really want to cut. I don't want to think. I just want to cut.