@Amyjay - thank you! Indeed, it is sad when young children can be affected by trauma, to the point that life all around feels unsafe (at least when there aren't any protectors around).

**trigger warning**

My father served in WWII as a merchant marine, so he wasn't considered a veteran (but nowadays they are). Sadly, he was never treated for his war-related injuries, and it had affected us kids. His brother (my uncle) was a pedophile and harmed me and indirectly my sister. Still, I was resilient enough I suppose, though I did block out most of it until much, much later, after I had experienced military sexual trauma.

I had a best friend who was murdered by some man when she was around 15 years of age (I was about 13 going on 14). I miss her so much. Her story is still in the archives of the newspaper. We both went by different names, but we both also dissociated a lot, since she was in an abusive home, too. I suppose we 'trauma bonded," if that is the correct term.

Sometime after that, I went on to college and graduated from the police reserve academy. I wanted to fight the bad guys, but more importantly, I wanted to be tough. Little did I know at the time that I had a couple of male alters inside to help me with the physical training and the "red man attack" - which was part of our training where we had to fight off a potential hostile suspect. Back then I was brave, but today I'm not.

I'm not brave today because of what happened to me in the military. Unlike the relatively ethical police training I had, some superiors in the marines sexually harmed us. From that point forward, I was too afraid to do anything if I couldn't even trust the people I was serving with or under.

Years later, I was involved with a man who wound up beating me, choking me, etc. It took a while to leave, but I left, but not before I was rruined even more. Because I lost time, and because I didn't know that I had both PTSD and DID at the time, he didn't believe me when I said that I couldn't remember certain things or where I was. I was harmed for that.

Then comes the therapy abuse, years later. A church pastor was initially nice, but then certain things about what she had said, and what the congregation had said, were so judgmental that I had to get out. I'm not a sinner for being agnostic, so I recanted my being born again and decided to simply believe that if there is a creator, that he loves me no matter what, and knows my truth, even if the church doesn't.

Then, when I went to get treatment after getting diagnosed with DID, the therapist suggested I meet with her four or more times a week, which broke my piggy bank. By this time, I was already diagnosed with PTSD, but I felt I could never talk about my military experiences, so I focused solely on what I could recall from childhood and adulthood. I was too afraid to go to the VA for many reasons, so I just went on disability and sought treatment from the private sector. The therapist invited me to her home and her office on separate occasions, but at her home, she wanted me to go with her into her bedroom. I felt gross. Then when we watched movies she knew I was triggered by, she met the alters who were upset that her only reason for triggering me purposely was to meet the alters. I felt alone and unwanted. I felt strange. I didn't know how to deal with lost time and the changing attitudes of the therapist. The therapist's roommate got jealous and threatened me on my voice mail, at which time the therapist suggested that she'll just admit me into a trauma treatment facility until she could deal with her roommate. Thankfully, the trauma treatment facility helped me to leave that unethical therapist and heal somewhat from the traumas I experienced in her home coupled with learning how to manage my dissociation through internal family systems treatment, grounding techniques, and CBT.

Trying to find a new therapist who treats DID was tough, but I had help in short-term treatments. I learned how to converse with and work with my alters, and shortly thereafter, I was introduced to their inner worlds. It was chaotic at first, but then we learned to work with one another.

I was misdiagnosed with so many things prior to that time, but today, PTSD remains a constant, so I simply go with that. The VA has my records, so they know that DID is in my charts somewhere, but today, since integration, or since I really don't trust them to help me with the rest of my integration, and since they aren't fully trained with dissociation, I focus on the PTSD stuff and simply allow my alters to help me as needed - without their knowing.

I don't lose much time anymore - maybe a few hours if I've been retraumatized by a rational trauma that had happened, but for my irrational fears (such as needing to sleep with the light on because I never know who will break down my door and harm me in my sleep) - that I cannot shake. My inner world helps me to find a safe place when I cannot self-hypnotize on my own. I finally sleep, but for only two or three hours at a time on most days. Some days, when I'm so exhausted, I sleep all the way through 7 or 8 hours. When I wake, I'm exhausted though.

Just recently I got chronic fatigue syndrome - or the worsening version of it. Since my honorable discharge, I've been fatigued over the littlest things. Still, I learned to use my gritty personality and persevere through. But that takes a toll when all you do is work, work, work, or converse with your internal alters.

I moved out of state two months ago because the violence in a different state in the mid-west got too bad - too many gang-related gunfire. I used to be tough decades ago, but today, I'm cautious and scared. I've lost courage.

I cry sometimes, but I muster through without emotion most times. When I do let down my guard, it's when I'm alone.

Anyway, I need my protectors and internal helpers and inside (safe) world. They help me when I'm scared or when I need strength. Until I can find a long-term therapist I can trust, I'll just deal with 'surface issues' or the issues I'm not too afraid to talk about. Most therapists I've met are nice, but I can tell that what is hard for me to recall from memory is hard for them to hear, which lets me know that I'm vicariously traumatizing my therapist. I even had one person tell me I burned him out, which made me feel like I needed to be silent about the really bad traumas. That's what makes therapy so hard and frustrating - when I haven't established enough trust to say anything and everything that I really need to in order to heal. And that's one of the reasons why I need the remaining alters.

But yes, it began in childhood and got worsened in the military and thereafter with succeeding traumas.

I know blaming the victim is not right, but I do blame myself for making poor choices. I am more intelligent than that, but I was poor, homeless at times, and desperate. There's not many resources to turn to, so it's a risk for most people at that low-level SES. Some fare well, but others do not. Victimization becomes the norm in poverty.

I'm so glad that I'm no longer in poverty anymore, but I'm so afraid I'll wind up going back. Being homeless is a trauma in and of itself.

I wish you and your system all the best! I'm so glad to hear from you!

Lillib