@amandalouise

"Im also integrated.

"I did not have an internal world. my DID was the more typical dissociative related where my alters were out based on my dissociating because of triggers, and the resulting alter that took control was the one that dealt with that trigger. there was no internal world for them to hang out in when they were not out, it was more like one moment I would be feeling triggered, have my dissociation symptoms of being numb, spaced out feeling like I am sinking then the next thing I knew it was a different day or time and I was doing something different then the last thing I remembered doing."

I remembered those times with some of my alters, but not all. One time at work, I felt the room going dark and me sinking in, and then I literally blacked out. Someone else took over to finish my work, drive me home, and tuck me in. I woke up in my bed, called in sick the next day, and freaked. I eventually returned to work but could not recall what was done or what I needed to still do. I eventually managed, but I also eventually quit.

After integration, I was able to handle undergrad college and volunteer research work. I still had a few alters with me, but nowhere near the alters I used to have.

It's interesting that you say you didn't have or recall an inner world. I'm so sorry you were triggered so much. Not everyone needs an inner world. There's so much on the outside - in real life - to enjoy. I do try to enjoy it when I can.

Maybe for me an inner world is an escape that I have not learned to let go of yet. Life is scary to me, but I don't want to be afraid. I'm just afraid. But I'm okay with where I'm at for now. I'll eventually get better - I keep telling myself.

Anyway, thank you for sharing this. I'll reply to your other paragraphs soon.

But before I do, I was wondering if you struggle with more PTSD symptoms after having integrated. For me, I have. It's like my dissociation gets better but my PTSD gets worse. But... I have been able to use coping skills to help me deal with PTSD without meds. I don't sleep much, but I do eventually calm my nerves.

As for the last few alters of mine, I really need them when I go out in the real world. I stay at home most days. But when I do get out, I try so hard to face it alone. I just can't. So technically, I'm not fully integrated - just mainly co-conscious with my last few. But I had fused with many of the others.

Lillib