Quote:
Originally Posted by tryingtobeconstruct
Can anybody show evidence that "nobody is worthless"?
I know I'm worthless. No matter how nice I am to people, no matter how hard I try at work, no matter anything, I'm a failure at everything. My bosses are, at best, ambivalent about my job performance, and are often angry at me for things I tried very hard to do right. I have no friends. Nobody asks me to do friend things.
I tried going to church to make friends. Church is supposed to be a place where you feel welcome. I stuck with it for three years. I did church things, volunteered, tried talking with people. I finally gave up.. I got tired of leaving every service feeling lonely.
Some people *hate* me just because there's something unlikable about me. I'm often surprised by how much hatred there is. One coworker wrote a short story about killing me... when I reported it to my boss she ignored it.
I'm constantly baffled by the simplest things. I am literally the stupidest person I've ever known. I didn't understand basic bathroom hygiene until I was 12. I couldn't spell my own name until I was 13. Supposedly I was "gifted" but I was barely able to graduate high school.
I have never accomplished anything significant that I wanted. I cannot think of any way I've ever made the world a better place. Even worse, I'm a typical fatass American using up resources and leaving waste behind - I don't know how to live any other way.
Sometimes when I say these things people say "the common factor in all these situations is you". Well, yeah! That's my point... in all situations I've been in, the one common factor is that I'm not valued.
So... on what basis should I see any value in myself? Isn't it possible that some of us really are just worthless? I know people want to say that everyone as valuable. but those are just words. Can anybody show any reason I should think of myself any other way?
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tryingtobeconstruct
When I saw your title, "i'll probably get banned for this post," I was immediately curious. LOL - sorry, had to say that. Why? Because I was banned once, a long time ago, when people didn't understand some of my alternate personalities back then, and one of them, whom I couldn't understand at the time, didn't say the nicest things (he was a little, venting, persecutor - later turned protector). --That might not all make sense now, and that's really not the point. But what you asked doesn't seem like you would be banned for it.
What's most concerning is what your co-worker wrote about you, how you seem to lack support on your job, how lonely you feel no matter how hard you try, and your feelings from all the above.
I'm so sorry you went through that.
Church can be a positive place, but it can also be very judgmental. I left church after having been judged (and undergoing some spiritual abuse). You tried, and you should be proud for trying something new. If it didn't feel right, or if things felt less than pleasant and welcoming, you had every right to leave.
You have a right to your feelings. However, the thoughts connected with those feelings should not determine your worth. Yes, you can determine your worth, but sometimes social support helps encourage us to feel worthy. There's a reason why humans are meant to be social, and why loneliness can harm our health.
Sometimes our social skills need some improvement, or sometimes others are toxic and discriminate, unfairly judge, ostracize, say mean things, etc. Sometimes everyone needs improvement on social skills. But that doesn't mean anyone is worthless.
Worthless is a term connected to finances or objects, not people.
Perhaps the question could be re-framed to one or more of these:
1. Why was I feeling lonely?
2. Why would my co-workers treat me so badly?
3. What areas could I improve on?
4. What areas could my co-workers improve on?
5. What is my boss overlooking, and why?
6. What about church made me feel unwelcome, uncomfortable, lonely, etc.?
7. Why do I feel this way?
8. Where did the word "worthless" come from? Did it come from my parent? If so, my parent wasn't nice; my parent was abusive; my parent was wrong.
9. Why is it hard for me to get past these feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, etc.?
10. What would make me happy in any of the situations?
11. Should I look for another job?
12. Should I look for activities that I like and maybe meet others who like the same activities (such as hiking, book clubs, meet-in or meet-up groups that offer cheap eats, etc.)?
13. Am I afraid to socialize? Do I show my fear when I do socialize? If so, how can I be true to my feelings while, at the same time, engage with others to show them that I'm interested in connecting?
14. Are others stigmatizing me for how I look, what my skin color is, what my clothing style is, what my physical disabilities are, etc.? Am I experiencing microaggressions based on my appearances, not my personality?
15. Are others not expressing an interest in me? Could it also be that they are shy and waiting for me to express an interest in them? If I do approach, could it be that they are having issues of their own and are afraid of meeting people, so it's not me at all?
16. Could it be that I'm just in the wrong group, and that a different group of people could make all the difference?
17. What has my therapist said, suggested, considered?
18. How long have I felt lonely like this?
19. Was there ever a time I wasn't lonely? If so, describe that situation and then compare it to the seasons for which you do feel lonely.
20. What would I like to see in friendships? ...in co-worker relationships? ...in acquaintances? ...in significant others?
21. What can I do to persevere, despite the fears, the pain, the brokenness?
22. What strengths do I have to offer? (Yes, you have strengths to offer!)
23. What strengths am I looking for in others?
24. When was the last time you were paid a complement in real life?
...And then there's affirmations you can state to help counteract the negative feelings and thoughts that go with those feelings...
1. You are worthy!
2. You are lovable!
3. You have a lot of things to offer, but you have a lot of things you'd like to receive as well!
4. You are deserving of friends, relationships, close relationships, a job, a good working environment, safety, happiness, and more!
5. You have put in the effort!
6. You have strength to keep trying!
7. You will make friends; it may take time to cultivate, but you will do it.
8. You have a right to your feelings.
9. You are good enough right where you are!
... and you can add more good comforting stuff to that list!
I know it gets lonely doing this by yourself. But we're here online to help you, and hopefully you'll have a friend or family member who can affirm all these things that they see in you, too! Maybe share with someone else by doing that activity together, and then affirm each other. That helps both people to be on the same page - you and the other.
You have a right to feel and ask what you did. It's a good question because there are times in life when we all feel that way - some more than others. The point is not to stay stuck there. I don't know you, and I'm new, but I know that your reaching out on here takes strength - even if you feared being banned, you still reached out - and that is courageous! You can do it!
And even in the company of others, there are times I still feel lonely or lacking in some true bonding relationship. But that's okay. I do what I can to maintain the friendships I have, even the long-distance ones I've known for decades and was once close to. Eventually, the more distal friends you make, the more chances you are at finding a few friends - or even just one out of the bunch - who is going to be close to you in heart, in activities, in giving and receiving, etc.
You are more than your feelings and thoughts; you deserve to feel cared for, loved, understood, etc.
Lillib