I have been working on trying to change my "feelings" all day long.. I find my way and then lose it again, only to find it again, and on and on it goes.


Today has been especially painful. I have had to be dealing with my soon-to-be "ex." We have a property to remodel a bit and then to sell. He and I have been trying to make these decisions together. It has gone relatively well at times. He is testing the waters now though. I see a lot of his "activites" going on right in front of my face. It is difficult to keep my composure and to keep things headed in the right direction while trying to cope with this. I think he is more "mindless" than not. He is also arrogant about all that has happened. I think he does not realize I can see as much as I can see. He thinks I am being fooled. I am not being fooled. I am watching and keeping an eye out for myself... because it has been proven , in this case, I must do so.


I do, in fact, see him continuing his activities and watch him repeatedly continue to lie to me about both consequential and inconsequential matters. (Yet, isn't it always "consequential" if someone is chronically lying?)


I don't like the fact that I truly MUST keep an eye out when it comes to someone I have spent almost 30 years with. It seems surreal. Yet, it is true and it's best to not forget it, at least not until the big D is final and maybe longer.


It's an interesting balance to try to achieve, one between getting along with someone enough to work together and one in which one must be ready for any kind of betrayal at any moment. I do, in fact, see him continuing to carry on and lying to my face, even today... over and over again.


I have been hoping he would show even a little bit of remorse and would have enough respect for me to truly spare me, rather than going through the motions of pretending to spare me.


I am trying my best to remain amicable and to keep things on track, hoping to put an end to this fiasco as soon as is reasonably possible.


I guess I can only do my best by staying in alignment with my own values while he decides how he conducts himself. I do not want to spend my time or energy responding to his ongoing (mis)behaviors.


Thanks for reading and thanks so much for your support.