Today I feel stuck in my life. I'm doubting myself and feeling selfish for writing this but it's how I feel. I'm so tired of being quiet.
My therapist and I have homework that involves me looking at myself, thoughts, and feelings, and determining whether they are my authentic self or not. I have a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that I thought was in my past. A situation arose in our marriage that she initiated that led me to believe it wasn't in the past so I sought out therapy to resolve it, for me, but also so I could be a better husband. In this analyzation of myself from a healthier place (history of addictions but sober now) I have realized I have had some selfishness to me. It manifests in withdrawing myself and trying to communicate through lack of action or seeming like something's wrong to have someone ask.
Lots of times though, especially lately, I just want to talk and laugh and have fun. This process has shown me I'm too uptight. Something I always suspected but could never change. Also product of alcoholic father and depressed mother but, it's (counseling and sober living) shown me that I can lighten up. That I'm not simply those labels, and that, was living roles I allowed to be assigned to me.
I just want to laugh now and find more joy. That leads me to this post, in that I'm trying to work on myself to be a better man but I am feeling like, my wife thinks I was trying to fool her on who I was when we met. I was honest, I said I had a past that was behind me (was sober when we met). But it's like, I get the feeling that I'm not good enough. I don't feel loved and haven't for a while. I get the nagging feeling that my wife loves who she thinks I can be but secretely has contempt for what she thinks I am. That is a feeling though it may not be accurate. I am an overthinker.
I think part of this involves talking to other people that are close to me like my wife to sort of, just say this is how I'm feeling. Like a way to check my thoughts. She says regularly if there's anything you want to talk about don't hesitate to bring it up. So I did last night and she paused her TV show to listen. It was stuff about my childhood, like finding drawings and stuff and what I think they mean to me. It just didn't seem like she was interested. Eventually there was not really much communication and she was like I don't feel like talking. Only to continue watching the show. Where I guess I was just supposed to be quiet and sit there.
Talking and communicating I'm starting to realize is a problem for us. We had gotten into a very surface level routine and communication. I think both of us didn't want to "rock the boat." This has been an issue, to a degree, since we met sadly.
I never feel recipricated in my communication. Often the responses I get for whatever I'm saying is something like "Well that's because of this." Or "Well you should/could have just done this." I also don't feel appreciated for things I contribute to our marriage. Even little things like jokes I make. I feel like they're judged. If I bring this up my wife gets defensive and seems to turn it around like I'm attacking her. I try to say it like, I feel _____ when this happens. But it always gets into a heated argument where she repeats something I didn't say. Like she hears something I said but didn't say and then goes off of that.... It confuses me and makes me not want to talk at all. An example is I say I feel X. She says, why do you think X, Y, and Z, and gets kinda defensive. I'm like, I didn't say X, Y, Z.... like I feel crazy sometimes.
On top of that I am trying to make habbit changes to addictions (smoking cigs) that my wife is pressing me on. I told her that it is giving me anxiety and that yes I want to be pushed, but I'm putting in a lot of work on myself for us. And I don't see that from her!
Like, last night I got home from work, (wife gets home 1.5 hours or so after). Took care of our animals. I did the dishes, did a load of laundry, made the bed and straightened up. We had planned a dinner that was just basically a 15 minute affair. But wife got home wanted to shower and then told me to start dinner. Didn't even notice the things that I had already done. In fact, I noticed that she came in and the first 5 things she said to me where critical. Like there's no affection coming in it's just very rigid and schedule based.
On top of it all she recently indicated that she had met a girlfriend online, but also that she believed she had intimate feelings for her. Which they had discussed without my knowledge. I obviously got upset about it and it was a huge issue for us. For me too because it has brought up what I consider to be an extreme fear of abandonment. But then, it got to the point where she was pressing me to still have a platonic relationship with this woman. For weeks after saying no I wasn't comfortable it continued until finally I gave in. I said well talk then. I am tired of stressing about it. I am not going to give my full approval.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I am not appreciated, respected, or thought about. I have problems asserting myself and I feel like I'm being walked over. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do if I feel like I can't communicate with who is supposed to be my life partner.