I wanted to talk to him about the end of last session when I accidentally said "cuddle time" before we hugged. I talked about the word 'hug' seeming more boundaried and formal and 'cuddle' seeming more intimate. Started trying to dissect the differences in more detail, like length of time etc, then I stopped and felt really sad. T asked what was happening. I said I'm not finding dissecting the meanings of hug and cuddle useful. We were quiet. I said "I feel a lot of things about our relationship". T looked at me and said "do you want to say more?" I said "Trying to figure out the difference between hug and cuddle is symbolic of how I feel about our relationship". T smiled knowingly. It is the tension between intimacy and boundaries.

I looked at him and felt really overwhelmed with love for him. I couldn't say anything. I looked away. T asked what was going on. I said "when I look at you I feel..." and couldn't say any more. "I feel like I..." I just couldn't say anything. I started laughing at how ridiculous it was. I have told him I love him lots of times before.

T said that the part of me that doesn't want to say it needs to be heard. It doesn't mean I shouldn't say it, but that part needs to be acknowledged. He asked what it needs. I said it thinks that having strong feelings about you hurts me. T asked how? I said because you sit there enjoying the adoration, then you f*** off. T said that it needs to be acknowledged that it is true that he does enjoy, or get something from the way I feel about him. I said that most of me likes that. He said yes, but part of you resents it very much. I said yes, and that part is not validated by you saying that, it makes me feel like "See, I was right". He said "It sounds like that part thinks I am using you". I said yes I think it does. I was just sad and really tired. T said he thinks I am exhausted from suppressing this internal struggle. I said it feels like there is no way out of it now. I just love him, and one day it will end and the boundaries are hard to deal with. T said something about not being in contact. I said the idea of not being able to contact him physically hurts. He said that he wants to make sure that I understand that he is not saying that when we end regular therapy we can't ever be in contact. He thinks it makes sense to continue contact if I want to. He said he doesn't know if that helps. It did help, but I didn't tell him, because I am annoyed that it helps, because I feel like I just push on boundaries and only feel better when they give.

I went to the toilet, and when I came back I just felt different, lighter. I picked up an egg that I thought was made from stone or something, but it was really light, like paper, it felt like something I had made from paper in therapy once. I mentioned it to him. He looked at me lovingly. I asked him what had changed while I was in the toilet. I said I can feel his love now. He said he thought it was me that came back differently, but that doesn't mean it wasn't coming from him. He said whoever it is, something has shifted. I asked him how he navigates the intimacy/boundaries dynamic with me. He mentioned a few things, all about being in the room with me. He mentioned that when he lets himself be in the moment with me, it feels 'delightful' and like a privilege. But he also gets anxious and sometimes he says stupid things (he said that is my phrase and he likes it). I wanted to say I was really asking what it is like to walk away from that intimacy back into his life, but it was late in the session and thought better of it.

I managed to tell him that at the moment I feel in love with him. I said I am glad it is not reciprocal, because that would cause a whole mess of problems, but also, I wish it was. He smiled. He said it was lovely to hear, and also scary because of how vulnerable I am.

We hugged, and it was a much more gentle hug than usual. I liked it, but thinking back on it, it has triggered some ET, which I will talk to him about. He reminded me I was going to ask about where we will meet next week (as we might not be able to use the usual room) and he said to meet at the usual room and we'll go from there. He gave me a book, by someone I have met, and he knows I like. He said he didn't need it back. I thanked him, said goodbye and left.