Today’s session was intense and tightly focused. R came in and sat down.
‘How are you doing?’
‘It has been a tough week. Thank you for your email.’
‘That’s no problem.’
‘Right! The Critic is already nibbling, so I am going to ask. I think I need you to be a bit closer today.’
‘Well done.’
‘I feel like that shouldn’t elicit a ‘Well done’.’
‘As the words were leaving my mouth, I realised that. I didn’t want it to come across as patronising, but there was a time when you would not have been able to ask for what you needed.’
‘Happy National Poetry Day! There’s a poem I wrote on Monday which might explain a few things.’
‘Is it today? Happy National Poetry Day to you.’

R read the poem, and we discussed the last line. She said she couldn’t tell whether it was written from a place of acceptance or resignation. I replied that I was not sure either. Our conversation continued.

‘I made it into work on Saturday.’

‘You say that as if there was a chance you wouldn’t.’

From there we spoke about Mum’s back, and the tension of that situation. I talked about managing to finish the workshop and being unsure of a new student’s name. R and I had a laugh over that.

I talked about Mum coming to meet me, and my hunch that things weren’t good then.

‘We are very similar. She won’t say if something’s going on.’
‘Is that protective over you, or does she keep herself to herself?’

‘I think it’s a bit of both. If I say that out loud, you can see the overlap between the two situations. She knows I worry.’
R commented that it sounded like that created tension. On reflection, it would be easier to be open about things, but I don’t know how to do that. I ended up talking about the experience of reading one of my poems at work as a nod to the National Poetry Day theme of Truth.

‘We sit around a table, and I began to feel queasy at the prospect of reading the piece, so I stood up and read.’

‘Did you read it aloud?’

‘Yes. I wanted to talk more about the story behind it, but I couldn’t.’
R asked whether she was right in picking up on a little disappointment.

‘How can I model vulnerability for my students if I am not comfortable…Five years after launching the book, I should feel comfortable reading the pieces aloud.’

R and I had a conversation about the difference between modelling vulnerability and oversharing. She sensed that I am uncomfortable sharing my grief at work.

‘It’s also important to me that I don’t share the stuff I am currently working on at work.’

‘Yes. Part of the reason I am here is because you are working towards dealing with that in healthy ways.’

I talked about my discomfort with ‘Oh no! Here we go again!’ as a way of living. I know where it comes from, because it has its origins in the experience I am currently dealing with.

‘Always waiting for the next thing – is it happening now?’

‘That is what I would call hypervigilance.’

I talked about wanting to be present and holding the version of me that I was when I knew Chris up as the best version of me.

‘Working with my students, it is almost like seeing that version of myself again.’

R identified a solemnity when I talk about work, because it cannot be what I need it to be.

‘You need to find that in other areas of your life.’

I replied by saying that I used to use work as a coping mechanism, taking on crazy deadlines, although I know that is not the greatest thing. ‘It becomes another mask.’

‘It can do.’

By that point, I was about to go into something else, but looked at the clock and stopped myself.

‘I had an interesting conversation with a support worker yesterday. She’s fully aware of everything, and she said ‘You never feel grounded, so you never feel safe.’’

‘What was your reaction to that?’

‘It kind of blew my mind.’

R said I am one of the only clients she works with who cause her to think visually. She envisages me in a kind of bubble.

‘Going deep is OK, but it is hard to stay there. In the work I do, if I had to stay there all the time…’

‘I am naturally a deep person.’

‘Ditto.’

‘I don’t do surface stuff very well.’

R mentioned that I had talked before about being in social situations, and then something happens and I retreat.

‘If somebody notices the retreat, it’s like: “You look thoroughly bored.”’

‘Yes.’

‘Hello from your friendly turtle!’

R closed by talking about vision boards, which I am going to investigate further. We set up an appointment for next week.