Regular T last night. She was running about half an hour late, which she apologized for, and I said it was okay, but she made up the time at the end so I didn't feel shorted or anything like that.


I told her about the session with Pastor T. She seemed astonished that he said what he said. She said she did not agree with him and she didn't see how it would be helpful. We talked about how it had really thrown me for a loop. How I was really struggling with feelings of being bad, which lead to feelings of needing to be punished, which lead to feelings of wanting to cut. Really strong feelings of wanting to Self Harm. I had to fight that in my head with scripture and with what I believe about myself from what I have learned through my faith. I really had to claw my way out of that bad space. She was really pleased that I hadn't SH-ed over it. I told her I hadn't SH-ed yet over it. She said to wash my mouth out with soap, because every day, every hour, every moment that I don't SH is a win. I had told her I might lose the battle with this one. I confirmed with her that my goal for no SH is still 50 days and as of yesterday I was at 44 days.


I told her I was angry with him. I said this was actually a good thing because I don't get angry. I stuff it down. But I was angry that he triggered this in me and I was having to deal with it. We talked a lot about anger and she said it was just a feeling and that feelings are not bad. She explained that gazelles when they are chased by lions and get away, the sort of have a seizure and get rid of all that negative energy that is in their body and that is how they do not develop PTSD. She said that feelings are like that. They come, we experience them, and then they go. We don't have to be afraid of them. She said she knows I am fearful of anger because of what I experienced in my childhood. That it is understandable. She said to try to imagine that feelings--particularly negative ones--are like ash blowing in the wind. They dissipate. She said can I please try to think of it that way? And I said I would.

She said she thinks I need to chant: Kit is a good girl! Kit is a good girl! Which made me smile. I can't see myself actually doing that. She listed some good qualities about myself and told me that I am not bad. She told me I am too hard on myself, which I agree with and its something that I struggle with. She told me I don't have to go back to Pastor T if I don't want to. I can change my mind. Whatever I decide is fine. Whatever I decide is okay.


We talked a lot about God. Our views don't exactly align but we are able to have a conversation about it that is meaningful to me. She can tell my faith is strong.


I didn't leave the session feeling as bolstered as I would have liked. I was still feeling somewhat unstable. I think she could tell. As I was leaving, she said she wished she had some pixie dust because she would sprinkle it all over me.


I'm still struggling today. I wish the session could have been twice as long. I still felt like there were things I needed to process. I feel like she helped me put some of the pieces back together. I'm left holding some. It's been a hard few days.


Comments okay.
Thanks for reading, Kit