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sarahsweets · Oct 04, 2019 at 03:51 AM

Hey @jaymoq: There are tons of red flags here. They may have snuck up on your but collectively they are major red flags.

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Originally Posted by jaymoq

But once that honeymoon period died down, I watched the weeks tick by and all he did was talk about the future but never act on it. Weeks turned to months and he began to express frustration about being broke and feeling badly.

During this time did he think any of this was his fault or did he think he was a victim of circumstance. Did he take any ownership of his situation?

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So, I offered to help. I helped him find good health insurance for less than $25/mo. I helped him find doctors and specialists. I researched his condition and found the FDA had approved a new drug and I helped him apply for the grant to get it for $5 copay instead of the $14k. Even I’m impressed with getting that approved.. I helped him enroll in college (which he always said he hated dropping out of). He wanted a part time job so I helped him find one that he can work and still maintain his disability. And when I say help- I wasn’t being domineering. I would just subtly present an opportunity. Then if he asked for my help, I would.

This was very nice of you- and I get wanting to help, but you did everything he should have done for himself.

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And after all that, he’s still angry. He’s still upset. He’s still frustrated that the job isn’t good enough, the treatment isn’t fast enough, the school is too hard.

So he is angry about these things, have you asked him what he plans to do about it?

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I essentially supported us for over a year.

Even though you were living separately?

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He was living in a bad place so I offered for him to rent a room from me after we’d dated a few months. I know- I know. I thought maybe that was why he was so depressed. Living around toxic room mates. So he moved in. He’d pay some toward bills but he said he barely got any $$. So I just sucked it up and I supported us. When he got this job though, I asked for him to help with groceries. And he still is upset about that. He said I am taking advantage of him.

I hope you didnt take that childish response sitting down. I hope you shared with him what you shared here, and told him he could just move back into the old place if he was so upset.

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Meanwhile I work a full time job that is very high stress. I have tried everything I can think of to support him. At times it felt like I was enabling him.

I agree with you. You do enable him. I also sense a bit of codependency[/quote]

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There is much more to this term than everyday clinginess. Codependent relationships are far more extreme than this. A person who is codependent will plan their entire life around pleasing the other person, or the enabler.

In its simplest terms, a codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed. This circular relationship is the basis of what experts refer to when they describe the "cycle" of codependency.

The codependent's self-esteem and self-worth will come only from sacrificing themselves for their partner, who is only too glad to receive their sacrifices.

Does any of the above ring true for you?

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And now he is angry every morning he has to go to work and says he just wants to do something he loves. He said this is the worst job ever. He works a few hours a day at an elementary school helping monitor the kiddos during lunch. He does some janitorial there- clean the tables, mop the floors. But— as jobs go, there are way worse ones I think. But to him it’s the worst. So I asked what he wants to do and he said he wants to be an artist.

Please tell me you shot that one down. He may be the best doodler around but an artist does art their whole lives and the creative flow is near constant. Often they live in cities with losts of galleries and places to hopefully get their art a showing. I do not believe its just something you dream up because you do not like your job. I have a minor in theater. I used to think I wanted to become an actress. I ended up marrying when I was 20 and having a son. So I graduated with English Lit. Thank god I didnt take a fun hobby and try to make it a career. I am not good enough for the major stage or screen. I was smalltown good and that is it.

I just feel like he’s living in dream land. He used to drive a truck and said he loved that but he quit it because of his health. Now he says it’s because he was depressed. I encouraged him to go do that again if he loves it. But he just gets mad and says no.

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I myself struggle with bipolar disorder but I’m not allowed to experience any symptoms around him because he takes it personally so I medicate myself and see my own therapist.

I am so glad to hear this! Way to take care of yourself.

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I just feel like a failure. He has so much potential but nothing is ever good enough. He went an entire year and barely left the house. He’d just sit at home, vaping and watching tv. That was it. I thought he needed time but he had time.

Very often when our partners are depressed and making no effort in self care or self reliance we think they need time. All time does is take a situation and stretch it out indefinitely.

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Now he’s doing something at least (not without a lot of support) but if anything he’s even angrier. He’s just always angry. Always depressed. Always telling me I just don’t know what he’s going through. Which of course I don’t.

That is a bogus manipulating cop out. I hope you see that. Its selfish and its a way to shut you down or make you feel bad. Yes, technically you do not literally know what he is going through. But you are half of this relationship. What he is going through you are going through. You are being dragged down his rabbit hole and being made to feel responsible.

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He’s his own person. But I want to sometimes say - what about me? What about my needs? What about my mental health? What about my stressful job? What about my bills that are barely getting paid because I’m supporting two people?

Yes say that! And then say more. Would you ever invite him into your therapy to communicate?

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I’m just feeling very lonely. I’m feeling lost. I don’t want to be an enabler. But every time I bring this up he freaks out. I love him dearly but he used to be my partner. And now he’s just... I don’t know what this is.

He is not your partner. Re-read what you posted but switch out yourself for a good friend. What would you tell her to do? What advice would you give her? I know you may feel that he can be saved but not by you. And he will never get his act together living with you. Even if you give him an ultimatum and even if he seems to make some small changes- I doubt they will continue and I think he would regress right back to the place he his now.
Because he is not taking any repsponsibility for his actions and his predicament he has made it your problem. And by doing what you do, you have accepted this as your problem. You are feeling responsible for his situation and ever time he gets angry about contributing to the household expenses or work around the house he is basically pooping all over what you do to stay afloat. He is not grateful and doesnt sound too loving. If you continue to let him live with you he will not change. He needs meds, a doctor, therapy and life's circumstances to smack him around. By not establishing a bottom line he technically doesnt know what your expectations are. But if you give him a bottom line or ultimatum and he doesnt abide by him you must have a consequence. No consequence= no change. Ultimately we teach people how to treat us. Once we identify the wrongs in how we have been treated- then we have to be the ones to put a stop to it. Otherwise its an endless cycle and wasted of a life that could be rewarding but instead has been grim.
XXXOOO