Sorry but I really can't figure out where this topic is supposed to go, so if it doesn't fit this subforum, please someone move it.

I am struggling with an extreme fear of going back to therapy while simultanousley realising more and more each day that I am not coping well and that it's continuously getting worse
I spent 1.5 years in therapy but the main issue with that was that I didn't go on my own accord but basically got sectioned against my will. I was 16 and I was living in an assisted living facility for teenagers after leaving my foster family due to abusive behaviours towards me. I lived there for several months and during that time my mental health deterioated to a point where the people responsible apparently felt like they couldn't give me the necessary help anymore and transfered me to a mental hospital for children and teenagers.
Basically what had happened was that I had completely stopped caring and was negating everything. I stopped talking, I skipped school, I basically completely stopped eating. I wasn't actively suicidal, I simply didn't want to exist anymore.
The hospital was supposed to help me but the things that happened there during the first couple of weeks just messed me up. I know the people there were just trying to help me but they did it by trying to force me to eat and by locking me up and completely taking away my independence. Trying to make me eat didn't work so they gave me a feeding tube. Looking back I think the whole process traumatised me. They held me down and forced that thing down my nose while I was panicking, gagging and screaming. I completely lost it after that, I couldn't think straight anymore, I was screaming at people, hitting them when they tried to touch me and just completely broke down crying, so they sedated me. First thing I did when the sedation wore of was to pull out the tube. They tried to give me a new one, the whole thing repeated and they transferred me to a closed ward.
I spent eleven days on the closed ward before they decided I was calm and complient enough to be sent back to the "normal" ward. I've never forgotten about that and until this day I am unable to find words for how that made me feel. I don't know if there could have been another way to deal with me back then but what they did completely ****ed me up. I continued inpatient therapy and saw a therapist weekly afterwards, because I was forced to. I waited till I was 18 and had finished school, then stopped going to the therapist, went off the meds and moved out of the assisted living situation.
That was a year ago and I honestly thought I was stable and doing ok. For the last couple of weeks I've been feeling like I'm detereoating again. Maybe not half as bad as back then but bad enough that I think I need to talk to someone. I've been fighting against the urge to hurt myself for weeks and today I gave in and I am again having thoughts that it would be better if I didn't exist. I have no suicide plans, I'm just tired of fighting myself all the time and I don't think it would be much of a loss if I got into an accident and died or whatever.
I know these thoughts aren't healthy, I know it would be sensible to get myself a new therapist and talk to someone before it gets out of hand. But I am so ****ing terrified of it going the same way it did back then because I wouldn't be able to handle that a second time. I am ok with the idea to see a therapist voluntarily but not if it ends with someone deciding that I am a danger to myself and locking me up and taking away my independence.

tl;dr I am not in a good place and I want professional help but I am freaking out about them sectioning me and I don't know what to do.