You are not an ugly mess, and you do not deserve punishment. The reason you feel this way is because you have been made to feel this way. The fact that you feel this way is proof that you have been let down. That you have experienced things no one should. Which is why you deserve help, care, support and love. When someone is hurting, someone other than you, a person or a pet, you will comfort her/him/it, right, you won't hurt her/him further. YOU deserve exactly the same. You are precious, your worth is infinite. You deserve someone to stroke your head and you cheek and say "it's going to be ok, I'm here, it's ok". Take care, love