@bpcyclist thank you. It’s very confusing for me. He of course can do whatever he wishes to his own body. It’s the lying that has gotten me messed up in the head. Worse, I know he bad mouthed me to our friends and family. Saying I’m controlling. When I didn’t even know he was vaping again. He’d then come home and say his friends told him he’s a pu$$y for listening to me. Which is just mind blowing because I found out later- he wasn’t. He hadn’t stopped. He was just going to their house to vape. Meanwhile I just know he’s angry and always leaving and short on money and generally bitter. And worse- I felt bad because I thought it was my fault. Like- because I supported his decision to quit, and of course my concern at the health risks to nicotine every waking hour, I deserved to be the brunt of his anger. He was moonlighting me for months. Making me feel like I’m so horrible. His excuse was- he was afraid of me. But afraid of what? If he’d sat me down and said- “ok I really wanted to stop but it’s just not a good time. I don’t really want to quit. And so I am going to continue”. It’d be ok. I’d be ok. I would understand. But he never gave me that chance. He just immediately chose to lie. And he did that three times. Each time, me growing increasingly insecure and hurt and losing my trust in his words.

But back to the real trouble I’m facing on a personal level—- all these feelings flood in whenever I see anything to do with vaping. Because it reminds me of all of this.

I know I should just get over it. He vapes openly now. He chews his gum inside. And that is just how it goes. But they’re visual reminders of how many months he hid from me. And now a part of me feels like, I’ve given up.

Thanks for the encouragement.