i went back to my IRL support group today and am i ever glad i did! as soon as i got into the neighborhood, which is a rough downtown area, i felt better. i was even amused by the panhandler who farted at me for not giving him any change! it was so funny and juvenile and harmlessly rude and cock-eyed! i passed an art house cafe with all the young artist and activists hanging out on the porch and felt right at home. i carried on to my drop-in where i was welcomed and delighted to see friendly familiar faces. i didn't realize how much i missed everyone. they started to play "Gladiator" and i said i couldn't watch a violent movie so they got me a charming coloring book and cheerful pencils and i turned my back to the movie and colored. i didn't mind hearing the dialogue from the movie which was surprisingly Left Wing. democracy and freedom and ethical leadership and overcoming corruption were values even back then!

i had a tough morning tho with diarrhea and chaos due to fear. i managed to change my debit card PIN and forget it and didn't write it down and my ID is not current so the bank won't let me get a new PIN. i'll have to apply for a provincial photo card which is sent in the mail, so about two weeks. i'll have to live off my credit card. not sure how much cash i can get out on it. have enough cash for the moment and will figure something out. will take daily draws to keep afloat until my debit card can be used again. the limit on my credit card is quite high so if i can't get cash off it i will still be alright. just another hassle i don't need right now. i had diarrhea all morning and couldn't eat til mid-afternoon but a new affordable coffee place has just opened near my drop-in so i was able to swallow a small meal and have kept it down.

i think part of the reason i have trouble with my neighbors is that they're so affluent and priviledged. they've never been destitute and homeless and strung-out in the downtown core of a metropolis. sure, they have suffered -- everyone does, everyone suffers, but it's just they've never suffered POVERTY. just losses of parents which is very sad and everything -- i'm not saying it's not. but the trauma of poverty is it's own particular type of Hell with it's own particular traumas and lessons and scars. i have the most affordable apartment in our condo building and i just don't feel i fit in with them. lots of them are lovely people but i feel we can't relate. sort of sorry i moved in here but i guess the key is not to associate with my neighbors and spend more time downtown with my peers -- all lovely screwball pals!

so that's where i'm at today. i sure don't feel my meds are helping at all, at all. i'm in the third month of a withdrawal from Seroquel and at this point all i feel my meds have done for me over 25 years is make me a fat addict. now i still have the same intensity of mood swings but just have to go to Overeaters Anonymous and when i can get to a benzo taper i'll have to go to Narcotics Anonymous. i'm thru with meds but will do a careful cautious withdrawal under my doctor's care and supervision and approval. it will probably take a few years to get rid of all the meds. i know from experience to go slowly with tapers.

so i have hope for the future in a daily routine that's more healthy for me by going to my drop-in and OA group and getting off meds EVENTUALLY and getting down to a healthy weight and getting physically fit. i did manage a walk today with my dog in addition to walking downtown to and from our BREATH-TAKING SUBWAY that is a joy to ride! such a pleasure, like we have a whole new city, a world class subway with soaring stations and all the newest intuitive design and ease-of-use features. it was a long wait but so worth it and so proud of my city!!!