Quote:
Originally Posted by TalkingToGhosts
Sorry but I really can't figure out where this topic is supposed to go, so if it doesn't fit this subforum, please someone move it.
I am struggling with an extreme fear of going back to therapy while simultanousley realising more and more each day that I am not coping well and that it's continuously getting worse
I spent 1.5 years in therapy but the main issue with that was that I didn't go on my own accord but basically got sectioned against my will. I was 16 and I was living in an assisted living facility for teenagers after leaving my foster family due to abusive behaviours towards me. I lived there for several months and during that time my mental health deterioated to a point where the people responsible apparently felt like they couldn't give me the necessary help anymore and transfered me to a mental hospital for children and teenagers.
Basically what had happened was that I had completely stopped caring and was negating everything. I stopped talking, I skipped school, I basically completely stopped eating. I wasn't actively suicidal, I simply didn't want to exist anymore.
The hospital was supposed to help me but the things that happened there during the first couple of weeks just messed me up. I know the people there were just trying to help me but they did it by trying to force me to eat and by locking me up and completely taking away my independence. Trying to make me eat didn't work so they gave me a feeding tube. Looking back I think the whole process traumatised me. They held me down and forced that thing down my nose while I was panicking, gagging and screaming. I completely lost it after that, I couldn't think straight anymore, I was screaming at people, hitting them when they tried to touch me and just completely broke down crying, so they sedated me. First thing I did when the sedation wore of was to pull out the tube. They tried to give me a new one, the whole thing repeated and they transferred me to a closed ward.
I spent eleven days on the closed ward before they decided I was calm and complient enough to be sent back to the "normal" ward. I've never forgotten about that and until this day I am unable to find words for how that made me feel. I don't know if there could have been another way to deal with me back then but what they did completely ****ed me up. I continued inpatient therapy and saw a therapist weekly afterwards, because I was forced to. I waited till I was 18 and had finished school, then stopped going to the therapist, went off the meds and moved out of the assisted living situation.
That was a year ago and I honestly thought I was stable and doing ok. For the last couple of weeks I've been feeling like I'm detereoating again. Maybe not half as bad as back then but bad enough that I think I need to talk to someone. I've been fighting against the urge to hurt myself for weeks and today I gave in and I am again having thoughts that it would be better if I didn't exist. I have no suicide plans, I'm just tired of fighting myself all the time and I don't think it would be much of a loss if I got into an accident and died or whatever.
I know these thoughts aren't healthy, I know it would be sensible to get myself a new therapist and talk to someone before it gets out of hand. But I am so ****ing terrified of it going the same way it did back then because I wouldn't be able to handle that a second time. I am ok with the idea to see a therapist voluntarily but not if it ends with someone deciding that I am a danger to myself and locking me up and taking away my independence.
tl;dr I am not in a good place and I want professional help but I am freaking out about them sectioning me and I don't know what to do.
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Hi TalkingToGhosts,
First off, thank you for sharing your story. I had to ingest what you shared slowly, and take stock of what you shared with an open mind. In short, it brought tears to me eyes.
Second. I want you to take a moment when you read this, and pause...
You are a survivor. You deserve a moment of respite and acknowledgement for the hardships you have faced, as well as your resilience to survive in the face of immense suffering. You have been through so much and it hasn't ruined you. You have come out the other side and you have a choice to rise above it and help others, or continue on the path of defeat.
This is no easy choice, and there is no shame in whatever path you should decide. But know that you have a lot to offer fellow survivors - and in this world that is so devoid of hope, we need people like you to share you hard-earned insight. Please don't give up.
Therapy is inherently dangerous, however, there are therapists who can help you. If you treat a therapist the same way you treat a complete stranger (as in, you protect yourself and set boundaries and gradually let them earn your trust). I believe you could very well find the help that you need. There are plenty of good, ethical therapists out there who want to help. But they are fallible just like everyone else. Therapists like to market therapy as a safe place - but in truth - the environment is inherently dangerous and (in my opinion) even more-so than the normal world. It affords them a power imbalance like nowhere else on earth, and whether they choose to take advantage of that power depends on their moral compass. There is no one to hold them accountable but themselves.
I believe you can find someone to help you. But trust your gut. Trust your intuition. If you find someone who is seemingly off or gives you a bunch of red flags - don't hesitate to make the necessary actions to set boundaries and remove yourself from that relationship.
Where are you residing? If it is legal to record conversations - I highly recommend recording all interactions with your therapist on your phone and saving them on a computer or somewhere safe just in case they should decide to abuse their power. Be sure it is legal though. In some states it is considered illegal, whereas, in Canada it is legal through the one party consent law.
Thanks,
HD7970ghz