Keep in mind that your thoughts are like a steam engine. You're adding more coal to the fire every time you entertain these thoughts. Carve out time each day to sit with thoughts of hope. Start small by imagining doing something fun or something restorative. Then work up to taking the step of doing it. Take a walk. Go to a show or a game. Buy yourself something fun as a treat. Try meditation. Exercise. Write. Make art. Sing. Whatever. Be creative. Then spend more and more time in this state. Dream up a better future for yourself by stringing along a chain of a few positive experiences together. Imagine the kind of life you want and the kinds of activities that version of you does. Then start doing those things one at a time.

Change your thought pattern and then you will begin to create new habits bit by bit. It takes time and you will have to fight yourself for it. It won't be easy, but no fight ever is. You will be stronger for it and you will gain more confidence as you go. Step out if the fear and try. You're going to remain stuck if you don't. Sometimes being stuck is all we can manage, but you sound like you're ready for different. You sound ready for change. I know you wish for this all to end, but you can put an end to this in much more positive ways. The current ideas you have are lacking and I don't really think you want to go there. You just don't want to be where you are. That's fair, but shifting to a new pattern is much better than no pattern at all.

I once had a therapist tell me that relapse begins each time we entertain triggers or negative thoughts. You're on a relapse loop. You have to interrupt the pattern. You reached out here. That's a brave and excellent start! Can you give yourself credit for that today and love yourself a little for trying? It is all about perspective and the tiniest shifts make all the difference. Maybe you start by posting here more? Make a few friends.

You aren't alone. We can be here for you while you get started. Baby steps and be kind to yourself while you try ok?