I’m sorry to be so negative again. But the depression feels like it’s crushing me. I’m trying so hard. I’m not isolating myself in my room even though I just want to lay in bed. I’m watching hocus pocus again with RS. Hotel Transylvania is next. I’m trying to stay out in the living room until 7pm at least. I feel like crying.

My student that I am supposed to be the one to one aide for is VERY challenging. He is severely autistic and self injurious, averaging 100 hits to his head an hour. It took two grown men to drag him into the classroom and keep him still. I fear I have met my match. A big difference from the sweet autistic girl I had last year, and even from the cognitive severe girl I had before that. I know how to restrain but I don’t think I will be strong enough to keep him from hurting himself on my own. I’m hoping that once he gets used to the new school and new routine he will calm down. He seemed to be calmer by the end of the day. It will be stressful for sure but still not as stressful as teaching.

I just want to crawl out from under this weight on my chest. I’m hoping my pdoc has some suggestions. I’m afraid to start the med Merry go round again. I’m hoping it won’t be necessary. Maybe I can just go up on lamictal for a little while.

I’m scared and I want to give up. But I can’t for my family. So I just have to keep holding on to their love for me. Maybe that will be enough.