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sarahsweets · Oct 08, 2019, 04:39 AM

Hey @TheOutsider90: I didnt want to comment more until I read your responses. Speaking from a place of recovery ( I am an alcoholic, sober for 7 years) He is absolutely a hard core addict. There are people who went through the 80's doing recreational drugs that "grew up" and stopped. There are people that may have tried drugs once or twice or very very infrequently. Once you incorporate lying and hiding I believe you are an addict.

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Originally Posted by TheOutsider90

Thanks for everyone's input.

First off he seemed pissed off when I came home and asked him to talk. I asked him some questions like how long hes been doing it, etc. He said a few years. I asked him if he was depressed. He asked why I care and I said because I do care about him. He told me he was depressed about his nephew who has been having some problems at home. I told him cocaine isn't going to help.

He started to get angry and said that I just jumped ship (because I stayed at my parents for the week) and I should have stood by him like I stand by my brother. I told him we arent talking about my brother right now.

Its really good that you didnt take the bait when he was deflecting and talking about your brother. And not letting him goad you into an argument about why you stayed at your parents was great.

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I also said the main reason why I left was because he lied for so long. He tried to downplay by saying at least he wasnt injecting himself with anything and I said it doesn't matter and told him my health and legal concerns.

This kind of justification is very common with addicts. They try to normalize their habit by comparing themselves to a perceived worse problem. I justified drinking by saying that at least I didnt do drugs.

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He said he would never do cocaine again and I told him that I have trouble trusting that. I said that I wanted him to go to meetings and wanted to give him drug tests. He seemed really pissed at this but agreed after I told him I'd leave for good.

Awesome. Now the trick will be finding out if he actually goes. I know some people who have had their friends or family members go with them for support and accountability.

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He had also told me that I control his money and when he hangs out with his friends. I do get mad when he spends a ton of money on scratch tickets, weed, beer etc. Because I work my butt off and pay for most things in the house. I dont control who he hangs out with but dont like when he stays out til 4 am or doesnt come home; is that really wrong of me?

Classic cross addiction. I know tons of people that had a substance issue that drink or gamble or spend money they do not have. Some people swap one addiction for another but the behavior and lifestyle is the same. Until he stops all mood altering substances he will not get sober.

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So yesterday I asked him if he was going to stop the coke for him or for me. He said for me. I said that he has to do it for himself for it to work. I asked if it wasnt for me if hed do cocaine and drink the way he has been. He said "yea why not".

You are right that he needs to want to stop but raising his bottom with consequences can prompt him to try so hold your bottom line.
I think he needs treatment and I think you need to insist on it. I can be inpatient or outpatient but its an insurance policy for you. He will not just stop on his own because he would have done that already.