Hello all! First time here. it’s a long one - but I need answers. Appreciate you reading however done a little TLDR, to mainly encourage you to read all, that’s why it’s at the top, 'cuse the ramblings. 😉

TLDR
Accidentally overdosed a supplement, containing THC, causing these thoughts
Never really felt myself, not understood why I’m here, constantly searching for more.
Bullied at school, my stomach played up when I was bullied and super anxious about going in that day, sometimes I got the day off, sometimes I didn’t - just dependent on how ‘bad’ I looked judged by my Mother.
Struggling through chosen career, ‘pretending’ to be a chippy, apparently, (please read on - chancer)
Fear with not making my family proud, I feel the pressure is on me to have children, partner etc, because my brothers a bit awkward and been seen for his success, not raising of family

I’ve been ill these past 2 weeks, with ‘stomach illness’
Collected my thoughts, sudden realisation of who I am. Is this me?
I don’t feel any discomfort in my stomach anymore, funnily.
Yet, I’ve a doctor’s appointment for morning - for the 3rd time in 2 weeks, better cancel that...
No second thoughts,, I'm going to have the rest of this week off, to get my head in check.
Please, please read the full... I NEED THINGS TO CHANGE.

School History

Primary School
Back in Year 4; I moved schools and had various medical issues, I had to walk around school with headphones due to making my ears hurt badly. This caused embarrassment and further questions / attention when I returned to school. I always remember the questions, and then the taunts and even counsellors getting involved to check I was ‘faking’. I didn’t try to make friends.
I remember one kid, always stays with me.
Asked “Why did you leave your last school?”
“Because I was stabbed in the neck with a sharp pencil”
“OK, so if I stab you, will you leave?"

And then proceeded to try. I called for a teacher, and he let go. Wait - this was before these illnesses. Oh, and had ‘stomach’ issues to have the time off..

Secondary School
I was about to leave secondary school, nothing untoward had happen except the verbal comments sometimes, and the odd punch (We’re kids, right, bound to happen). I was debagged, a few saw, the rest heard. “Oh, I heard”, I even had the guy who did this to me, say “I wouldn’t have done that if I had known” - Small **** joke.

Anyway, I shrugged this off. We were all released on study leave, it was my last year.

Job History
I tried to setup my own company, contracting, maintenance and repairs. I was in my middle 20s, and now 5 years on, in this moment. I realise I was out my depth. "Chancer” - Been called that plenty of times in the Construction Industry, bah one for another day.

I paid my board money during this, but my mother did far more for me than expected. Gave it 5-6 months, then started working for someone. I appreciate it but haven’t paid her back, yet. If I do make it big, she’ll be first to get the share.

I feel everything I try; I jump from... Past 3-4 years I’ve had numerous of occupations, shopfitter, joiner, call centre, labourer, maintenance assistant. I seem to struggle to hold a job down, I hate to do things wrong, make daft mistakes sometimes…

I’ve been with this company nearly a year and I like but I feel it’s “getting to that stage” - it’s odd that just within 2 months, I underestimated a job and cost the company 2-3 days’ work without pay to cover my wages. I’ve only, tonight put the correlation together with this to.

I feel I want out of construction, it’s full of sharks, and back-stabbers... mainly how I feel about my colleagues, maybe it’s a side effect of the THC, but it all seems to make sense right now.

Family
Like any son, with morals. I want to make my family proud. I realised, tonight. My mother struggled a lot raising me, with my various health problems when growing up. She was ill a lot when I was first born. I feel I haven’t repaid her gratitude without going to university, you see my brother, was top of the class at University, and then within the 1st year of him graduating - they employed him to teach, wow. That still impresses me now.
My brother helped me through school all the way. I had no interest, although tried. I used to behave in lessons and be a good student. I left however with 14 A-C GCSEs, didn’t do too badly. He helps me draft letters and such to this date, I need to snap out of this.

Dating
I’m scrolling on dating apps, get close to people - stringing them on a little, but crafty. When it comes to the crunch, “It’s me, not you” phase - and leave, after sex. Sucks! I need to change this, so ******. I’ve never ‘ghosted’ though. I’m scared, maybe of commitment, or my small ****?

Summary
Lately, I’ve been ill and depressed. My stomach has been playing up - IBS, this used to happen at school when I was getting bullied.
Not sure if it’s a way of my body telling me, things aren’t going smooth, please find an alternative.

What’s different? I didn’t get ‘high’ while writing this, although consumed some THC through a tincture. I’m going to stop taking this supplement from tonight, depending on your reaction I’ll even throw away.

Questions
Please help why I feel like this continuous feeling?
Have I suffered denationalisation from the courses of antibiotics from my medical issues?
Is it boredom, lack of achievement?
Do I require counselling?

My mother describes it as scared of commitment, commitment to job, commitment to girls (I date, but don’t get ‘close’ to people, when they get close, I tend to push them away, intentionally?!)

I went to counselling - 1 session, the ‘introductory’ she mentioned I could be an Over Sensitive Person*. I remember, she leant me a book, but I distracted myself from reading and handed back waiting for a text message off her as prompt, posting through her letterbox. I didn’t reply to the follow up texts afterwards or leave review on her page. ****, I just feel ****** about that also.
*That everything I do, or act, is how people ‘represent me’ I feel it’s true, after tonight.

EDIT: Sudden realisation, I’ve been off work (2 weeks, 1 sick, 1 holiday) I’ve tonight, put the correlation together I’ve subconsciously been job hunting.

Am I ****ing high, or is this the real me?

Noticed, I've followed in my father’s footsteps, he was always in his shed when I was growing up, he aspired to be a carpenter but ended up driving instead, limited opportunities when he was young around these parts (35-40 years ago)
Note, he didn't have a father growing up.