Quote:
Originally Posted by Hiker2019
Thank you all again!
And thank you s4ndm4n2006! 
I feel this is what happens when I try to explain /write out my reservations, with 5 yrs of data, how do I sum it up except with the very most negative things. But yes, they are not good things. And yes, I agree with you all who mentioned those traits around kids, they are not good things. But here's where I guess I failed, HE DOESNT WANT TO ACT THAT WAY EITHER! My point with counseling was to encourage him to learn more about himself and other diagnoses that could be in play... particularly autism with the anger...because knowledge is power.
Yes, we've been together this long already, and what's the point if I just end it all?? Unlike my friends, I've practiced sex safe and have chosen not to have kids until now and yes, it did take me a few years to figure out I wanted them with him. We talked about kids 2 years ago and we're on the same page, but our living situation wasn't until earlier this year. We've gotten through some hard times, including a planned pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage and he held me up! He was my rock! I couldn't have imagined a different or better partner during that time. I keep coming back because he communicates, in those hard times and times when I'm doubting everything in our relationship, exquisitely. He does get mad in those times too, but it's in an appropriate fashion, he walks away and comes back when he can talk. I'm questioning everything now, again, for 2 reasons; #1- hes fallen back into his ways of talking over me (bc he goes on rants of over analyzing everything) and not taking action, like he said he would, with the counseling. usually I can put my hand on his leg to let him know he's going overboard, but that hasn't been working lately. Then I start to think, 'this is def not the first time we have discussed, so why does he continue to do these things that annoy me?' #2- he is supposed to move in soon and I got super overwhelmed. I have never made it past 5 yrs in any relationship and like I mentioned, we just hit that mark last Friday. I dont think of myself as someone with commitment issues, but I know I am someone who wants it all to be perfect, which I know is soooo unrealistic. How do I know if I have commitment issues? How do I know if he REALLY just isn't the one, or I have to get over my issues? Or how do I get my head on straight to see the good instead of the negatives all the time?
Respectfully inquiring.  |
To be honest, I don't know if there is a commitment issue thing going on so much as the "wanting perfection" thing. Ask yourself, of all the years you've been with him, if you've always wanted it to be perfect how did you justify sticking around up to now? This might help to shed some light on what it is that keeps you in the relationship, meaning at least the things that are positive. You really don't sound clear on the idea of either staying or going but more putting everything under a microscope which by the way no person or relationship can pass that test. You do not sound overly angry, fed up or anxious to move on to me. It sounds more like indecision and re-evaluating pretty much everything. I am not saying that you should stay or go but that this is not a casual relationship nor one that should be kept or thrown away lightly.
Just a note, even in good relationships that work for decades for people there are problems, there are ups and downs and even things that annoy one or the other partner at times. but I am of the opinion that commitment is the foundation for how people look past those things. Commitment, loyalty and love (action, not feeling) are the things that keep relationships together over the moments of indecision and such. Why is
it in marriage, we take a vow one to love and cherish through good and bad if it's something that is based on how we feel for the other person at any given moment? because those things change but commitment takes choice and decision to stick around "even though I don't feel like I want to be around you at the moment" ... I dunno if this makes sense but just throwing this out there, neither to make or break your decision but to try and shed some light on things, from my perspective. in the end, whether you stay or go, it is your DECISION and is entirely up to you so do everything you can to make a wise one.
lastly of note, you've said over the 5 yrs you've come to this point, and even broken up for a few days. Seems to me there may be a pattern going on. perhaps a mini vacation away from each other every year to clear up your mind is in order?