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Originally Posted by Misterpain
You are right .
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Yes! Winner!
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As far as power differential no we don't do that ,a mutually beneficial relationship is a partnership that you both equally contribute to and work at
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Right, and I understand that to some degree, but I don't have any idea how to actually do it in practice.
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Anybody who ties there self worth into another person's "love" is going to have a series of crisis over and over everytime a relationship ends , until they see the light they will never find what they are looking for and will plunge from high to low with each failed relationship, never rebuilding themselves without some proffesional help ,honestly you have to love yourself before someone else truly can or will.
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I agree completely, and I made the point that, if he and Lilly break up, he's going to find himself in the same state of depression he was in the last go around. He insisted, however, that if he and Lilly never break up, then it will never be a problem. He said something along the lines of "that's just the risk you have to take if you want to truly love someone and be loved by someone." He also made the point that, if someone breaks up with you and you're not affected by it, then you probably never really loved them in the first place. Which, ok, fair. But I would think there's some third option between "complete lack of caring" and "soul crushing depression."
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Originally Posted by divine1966
In my opinion wrapping your entire identity around other people, regardless if they are romantic partners or your children etc is a very unhealthy way to live.
I’ve met people whose entire identity was defined by a relationship they were in. I think he is confusing commitment with enmeshing.
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Yes! This is what I was looking for and I couldn't quite grasp it. And yeah, I don't think he sees it as enmeshing, but as devotion. He feels that he isn't making a real commitment or being a good partner if he isn't totally devoted to her.
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They simply do not have their own self figured out. I think some type of professional help might do, but only if they are willing to open up and accept criticism. Usually they don’t.
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He is getting professional help, fortunately, but he takes criticism about as well as a popsicle takes a blowtorch, and he's adamant about his ideas on love and relationships. I don't think there will be any convincing him, but I wanted to see if maybe I was being unfair to him.
Colin and I are polar opposites in almost every regard. [I think the only reason he still tolerates me is because I was his only close friend during his really low period and because I'm one of the few people who will talk with him about Foucault and Heidegger and all that.] On the subject of love and relationships, I think he and I are on two opposite extremes of a spectrum, and "healthy" is somewhere between our ideas. The difference is that at least I recognize that my ideas are unhealthy.