Yes I will have insurance I think, I just signed up through the healthcare.gov. As long as they accept my documents I will have it. I won’t go back on invega as it screwed up my hormones and caused me to gain 75lbs in a year. Stability is not worth gaining more weight. Especially since I might have diabetes already.

Today it was hard to get out of bed. But I did it. I didn’t think I could make it through work but I did. So small victories. The last thing I have to do today is take a shower before my appointments. Seems impossible but I’m going to try. I might end up just washing my hair. I did shower yesterday so it’s not an immediate need.

I’m not sure if I feel safe driving to my appointments today. I will be on the highway and it will be hard not to hurt myself. But there’s no one to watch my son if RS comes with me. He’d have to sit in the waiting room and entertain my son for twenty minutes at the pdoc and 45 minutes at my T. I don’t want to do that to him. He’ll do it if I ask him to because he’s so sweet but I don’t want to have to. It just might be safer if I don’t drive.

I asked RS if he’d miss me if I were gone. I knew he would say yes but I just needed to hear it. Manipulative, perhaps. I’m not sure. I didn’t mean to scare him. But I am feeling very low and the suicidal thoughts are looming. I know my family would be destroyed if I did it so I’m trying to combat them. I have t hurt myself yet so that’s good.