somewhere he managed to shift things
a quick glance at his watch and
'our email interactions seem quite different from our ftf interactions'
'really? in what way?'
can't remember the answer now...
can't remember...
dammit.

i reflect on the sessions...
try and find the meaning...
thats not a criticism
i know

i'd been thinking of something that i was going to ask
but i decided i wouldn't
blush
but i guess i am
blush

'if you could pick for me to talk about anything at all...
then what would you pick'

mumble mumble...
this.
lets talk about this.
lets talk about why it is hard to talk.

cringe.
numb.
mental numb.
cringe.
lets not talk about that.
heavy.
sinking through the floor.

heavy sadness and i just want to cry.
does that make a session meaningful?
whats meaningful anyway?
what is the meaning of meaning?
words slide
slip
meaning slips and slides
can't catch it
can't grab it
just a fleeting feeling that something was meant to be significant
and then its gone.

bf tried to talk to me.
i can't talk sometimes.
can't.
email is better.
better by email.
so much better by email.
i was never meant to have a body.
the disembodied typer is me.

though he does have sexy hands...