Pastor T session last night. It went better than the session last week. I was nervous going in. I didn't want to come out feeling as bad and terrible like I did the previous week. So I was feeling pretty guarded. He accused me of being defensive. I feel like I had my defenses up, in order to not get hurt, but I don't know that I was being defensive but maybe I was. I told him how I had to deal with all of those overwhelming emotions last week after our session. He said he didn't want that to happen, that he wanted me to always feel better after seeing him, not worse. I think that is unrealistic but it's a nice goal. We talked about my feelings of being alone. I've always had to deal with my emotions on my own. My parents failed me in that respect. My Mom's emotions were so big so I made my emotions small and no one made it okay for me to have emotions. So I've not really had a good model as to what to do with emotions. He said I don't show my emotions on my face but he thinks that I am really quite sensitive. I agreed with him. Regular T would say that too, although I'm a bit more open with her as to what I let her see on my face. With him, being only session two, I don't trust him yet. Pastor or no Pastor. I just don't know him well enough to trust him. We talked about difficult thought patterns and beliefs. How it is like you are driving in the opposite lane and you need to stop them and get back in the right lane. So we talked about thought stopping which ironically Regular T brought up a couple of months ago and I said, is that some sort of CBT thing and made a face with her but I didn't do that with Pastor T because I know he is CBT oriented. Trigger for Talk of Christianity
He said I have the power in the relationship, which isn't something I really struggle with or think a lot about. He wants me to read a couple of chapters from the book and memorize a verse and he'll be gone for a couple of weeks and then we will meet again, which I am open to, since this time it went much better. He said it is going to take a lot of hard work but he feels that it could be very beneficial to me. I'm mostly just willing to try just about anything that isn't too woo-woo. Because I want to get better finally. I see Regular T tomorrow.
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Thanks for reading...Kit