Wow, thanks again all. I did not know what to except from this forum, but I really do think this is helping me by looking at it from all/different perspectives. and I completely understand the source.
It's so difficult to explain, because relationships are COMPLICATED. I can't detail all the ins and outs we've had.
Firstly, my therapist does not see fault with my take on reality, which I was questioning for a bit. Unfortunately I haven't been able to see my therapist to discuss these current concerns. That's a few weeks out still. I feel like I've lost all sense of logic, in a way, and intimate relationships cause me the most distress than any other type or issue in my life. Hell, I've had a boss that was WAAAAY worse than with my current partner. Out of control emotionally abusive and back stabbing.
Anyway, this is where it gets 'weird,' our relationship is nothing close to conventional. We are both free spirits and I really try to live day by day. We did live together for approx 2 yrs (after dating for 1 yr already), and I started feeling kind of similar to how I am now, because we were getting more serious. I started to think about what I wanted that to look like, but couldn't. I eventually decided to move out, so I could process how I live on my own. so I would know what's important to me when I live with a partner, because I had NEVER lived alone before. that was at 35 yo, and I really wanted to see what it was like, before not getting that chance again, I guess. BUT ( again I feel as though I have yo-yo feelings) it was while I was moved out that I realized how much he would be a good life partner. So we discussed this further and agreed we both wanted that. never talking about marriage because it didn't matter. Marriage or no marriage, we knew we would remain so then we started talking about children, knowing I am kind of under some time restraints. Then we went through some heavy ****. he took a few months to think about it, then proposed and now I'm freaking out again.
The negative aspects I wrote about originally in my first post, are NEVER directed to me, but they definitely effect me. He's so good when it counts, when were knee deep in the trenches, but the day-to-day aspects are important too and I feel thats where Im struggling with it all