Dear TalkingToGhosts reading your story broke my heart. I can't even begin to imagine how traumatic your experience was.
You're very strong and based on your post I believe you have enough strength to work on your healing.
I agree you can first contact the therapist by phone and only slowly open up. You can stop seeing them any time. If you don't like the T, you just don't show up for another session. That's it. I've also discussed SH and thoughts about not wanting to live and although meds were suggested, I refused and that was it. We continued talking and my wish to stay without medication was respected.

Trying alternatives to therapy can be extremely effective as well! I especially recommend exercise and creative arts. I know it sounds cheesy and I was very reluctant to these but they do work! I'm not a crafty person at all, no talent. But I sometimes do creative projects for children and there are tons of extremely easy tutorials online - from painting to sewing and crochet which you can do with zero skill or experience.

When it comes to exercise I find walking, strength training and yoga most effective. I even enjoy walking outdoors now in the autumn. The streets are almost empty and I feel the fresh cool air....

It's also very healthy for your brain to learn new skills. It helps with creating new synapses and increases your self confidence. It can be anything really - musical instrument, a language or cooking! It's all great for healing your brain on a physical level.

I know maybe hearing this makes you cringe. I wasn't keen on trying anything. My reaction was "I don't care about anything, it's all stupid". But the key is to at least try. Just one time. Just 10 min. If you truly don't like the activity after 10 min, you don't have to continue. Then you choose something else.

If you can find something you enjoy, you might feel a little better even without a therapist.