So, tonight I consider the littles inside, and I feel the fears and all the desires to want to play, to have dreams met, to even be able to have dreams at all. Yes, I feel myself feeling little and remembering the fragmented memories bounce back from Mary to me, from Tabitha to me, from that little one in diapers to me. The fears of wanting to dream but having it squashed. The fears of showing happiness and actually having fun without being scolded. I'm not yet integrated, but I feel fusion when I can actually feel what the littles are feeling and connect just bits and pieces of the memories I remember with the memories they remember - a transition of sorts. Mary was neglected and starved at times, and Tabitha was abused by some mean men. They covered the abuse when I was too little and frail to see the rest of what was happening to me. Coping skills help me to realize that they are there to remind me of the triggers in the present that trigger the past - school and then dreams and then seeing adult me have dreams after experiencing abuse. I remind the littles (and myself) that we are no longer in danger; we are safe; we are okay to show emotion and dream and be happy; and there will be plenty of time for play. I remind myself that the littles are a part of me, and that I'm okay to face the world as me, even when I feel small or am reminded from the littles inside who hold my memories of what fears I have and why. I tell myself - my adult self - that it is okay to feel small and feel fear. It's okay to recall those things and to know that I'm a good person, that I can try and try again, even if I fail or make mistakes. There are no bullies at this school, and if they are, we know how to use our voice. There are no mean people to come home to after school, and we live in a safe home by ourselves. I've already accepted all of my dark parts as me, and acknowledged my pain, fears, anger, and internalized abusers as protectors against my own feelings and identity. So they are no longer there to say mean things when I come home from school. The littles knew that they had changed, but they still fear and doubt, as I fear and doubt. I know they are feeling what I'm feeling and want to step in for me, but I told them that I can do it this time. The littles will forever be a part of me, and it's not scary to fuse; everyone is there; but we're all a part of me. It's strange to them to hear this, but that's okay. One step at a time and we will all grow. They are okay to grow in time - maybe not overnight, but in time. Tomorrow will be a good day, a new day, and we will work together to get through this. There will be plenty of time for reading rhymes and watching cartoons, as I will take breaks if I start school in Fall 2020. I assure the littles that we have time to heal and to do well together as a system. I assure the littles that it is okay to sleep, that there are no attackers. I assure the littles almost every night before we all sleep. I feel their pain, and I can relieve them of their duty to feel for me. I'm okay to do that now, and I will take it one slow step at a time because I know how hard it is for me to feel feelings when my heart breaks and wants to make it about someone else other than my own pain. I'm slowly getting there to accept what they had went through as my own pain, and why life seemingly wanted to see an infantilized me instead of a strong, adult me at times when I encountered those in positions of power, such as professors. It's okay, and the adult me can handle the little feelings I have inside. It's okay for the littles to be comforted in the background while I do my adult thing and try for adult dreams. I remember the dreams that the littles have had, and I remember my own dreams faintly. I remember the beatings, and that won't happen anymore. I remember the pressure from my dad, and that won't happen anymore. I self-care, and I balance. I've learned to understand that the pressures of life can be dealt with quite easily with some breathing and self-affirmations with not only me, but my entire system. I recall each and every alter holding each and every memory at different times, and I acknowledge that they are part of me. When I feel their pain and their memories, I can envision such pain as my own - in more ways than empathy would do, but in actually believing that these are the feelings and memories I've been so afraid to accept all these years. I've been strong because I was blinded from dissociation years ago, but I don't need that mask to live life anymore. The littles and all the others, while fused or integrated, are always with me, and their strength is my strength that I can face. I can face this, even though I'm scared and want to cry like like Mary or hide like Tabitha. It's okay, Mary and Tabitha, I can feel now. We can all get through this together, and it will be okay. It will be okay.