|
Geez I resemble this:
And then if we’re what in attachment terms is called insecure-ambivalent, then what we want more than anything is for the therapist to love us, to notice us, to care for us, to look after us, to be there for us. And we’re looking, even unconsciously, for a magical experience of connection which on its own will change us, we hope, by making us feel properly loved. Whereas what we need is someone who will hold their boundaries, someone who will encourage us to do the work ourselves – someone who will engage with us and empathise with us, but will also maintain a bit of professional distance, as it were, and encourage us to do the work of managing our feelings, of respecting boundaries, of not expecting a miracle cure, but actually to do the work for ourselves. It’s about learning to manage our feelings for ourselves, rather than always looking for others to do it for us. It’s about learning to step back from our often overwhelming emotions and mentalise and reflect and learn to tolerate distress without acting out. It’s lots of things, obviously, but what we want – the therapist to look after us and calm us down when we’re upset – is not necessarily what we need. We need the experience of co-regulation, of the therapist helping us manage our feelings, in order to develop self-regulation, of being able to do it for ourselves. But we do need to learn to do it for ourselves, rather than just waiting for our next therapy session and dumping all our distress there.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
|