For a session where I wanted to focus on anger, we covered a lot of ground. R came in and sat down, and my first words to her were:
‘Sorry for the e-mail.’
‘Sorry for the email? Why are you apologising?’

‘Let’s start with the fact that I didn’t intend to send it. I wrote it somewhere else, originally. I didn’t feel it was appropriate to put that in an email, although I know I would find it hard to sit here and say those words.’

‘That is how I read your emails.’

‘The anger is impairing my ability to function.’

‘Zeroing in on the email, I am still wondering what you thought I would say.’

‘There is a place for venting, and it is not in your email.’

‘I still feel as though there’s some fear there, perhaps based in your past experiences of people putting stuff on you, that I will think ‘That’s too much, Lost.’’

‘Yes.’

‘I didn’t interpret it as venting. I took it as ‘Please help me.’, and it is useful for me when clients reach out and say ‘This is what I need help with’, within an established, trusting relationship, because I am not going to…’

‘You’re not going to pick through…’

‘Exactly.’

‘We have said from the beginning that you can email, and I will reply if I have time, but it won’t be an open dialogue between sessions. Those are my boundaries.’

‘Thank you, that’s eased.’

‘I am not just saying that to make you feel better. I am not thinking ‘I wish Lost didn’t email me.’’

‘I don’t want this simmering anger to become part of me, but it is almost like being physically ill most of the time. That was the implication of the email.’
‘Yes.’

‘It grew from every moment of ‘What the **** are you doing?’ It’s so hard to watch somebody destroy themselves and receive regular updates from a safe distance. There was no safe distance.’

‘You took a lot of hits.’

‘Unlike the other situation, where I didn’t know anything until I needed to know.’

‘Can I ask you a question?’

‘Please do.’

‘Is there still some anger directed at yourself. I have sat here and listened to you blame yourself, and also show yourself compassion.’

‘With the relationship I formed with Chris, the pain was non-negotiable, part of the contract. With the other situation, I knew that I was already in pain, and yet I stayed…Part of me is screaming ‘Empathy!’ and ‘Compassion!’…’

‘Towards yourself?’

‘Towards them. When I initiate new people into this experience, they often say ‘Those people must need some serious help…’ but that doesn’t make what they did excusable.’

‘It sounds like you don’t get what you need when you reach out.’

We talked about the fact that something difficult has happened to me, and it is now less about their actions and more about the impact. The biggest impact for me is the residual anger, alongside the impact on my confidence.

‘At my one-to-one music session on Tuesday, the facilitator asked me whether I thought I would ever get back to playing live again.’

‘That indicates to me that they’ve noticed you’re not doing something you used to enjoy. Can I ask what your response was?’

‘I was honest and said it would probably have to be in a totally different venue with a different audience. I hate the phrase ‘Welcome back!’, because half the time I am not sure whether I am.’
R asked what I was particularly concerned about, and I explained that I am now hyper-aware of the link between my music and my emotions ‘Long before I stopped going, anybody who was really listening would have noticed that one of my signature songs slowed down and down to the point that it stopped altogether.’
I changed tack and explained about the open mic at work.
‘I would really like to go, but the work I am producing at the moment is… Why am I talking about it as if you don’t know?’
‘Are you worried about being vulnerable at work, even if it isn’t actually work, and compromising that safe place?’
‘Yes. We’ve had somebody come back to the sessions recently who I am really proud of.’

‘Is that a student?’


We had a conversation about the limitations of professional roles, and how life still happens, even when you’re a professional.
‘If you strip everything else away, it sounds like this is something you really want to do. You are creative, you’re a performer…You have just talked a lot about worst case scenarios, so can I give you an alternative?’

‘Sure.’

‘What if it goes really well? What if your colleagues see you being vulnerable and welcome that?’

‘What if I can use the safety of work to help me get back to that?’

‘If you are always making decisions based on fear, that’s what you’ll get. We need to make decisions based on fear, because they keep us safe, but…Learn to trust yourself again.’
Earlier in the session, R had mentioned Edith Eger’s quote: ‘What’s the worst that can happen, and can I survive it?’

I asked her whether we could spend some time next week preparing me for safeguarding training, in addition to continuing to work with my anger.

She said that she will try to find out what they cover, and where things might come up for me.

Before she left, she said ‘I just want to say to you, please don’t stop emailing. I know there’s potential for “And Lost was never heard from again via email…” Be kind to yourself, and have a good rest of the day. See you next week.’