So warning this will be a looooong one....

Nick and I dated for about 6 months. I'm pregnant with his baby after multiple condoms broke and i took the day after pill. He's stressed out, I'm stressed out and off my medications (focalin, restaril, latuda, Ativan) we never argued as we always worked things out through communication through all this. We were just past that honeymoon stage and just starting to fall into figuring out what's next and growing the relationship. I lived with him but my time was split between my old farm (where i stay when i get scheduled for shifts for work now and then) but the majority of my time was spent with him at his house.

Next a bit of background is Nick drinks, he used to drink... Heavily. But I some with him about it and he has scaled back, a lot. He's a very anxious and easily stressed person. After finding out about the baby he decided to start therapy as everything was becoming too much. He works endlessly and half his check goes to child support for his 4 kids (3 boys one girl) from his ex wife and a really hard to believe situation that i had a hard time believing at first. But i digress. Money is always tight and that really bothers him. He's unappreciated at work, and has a long history of picking really psychologiclly struggling women (all of which cheated on him and left him in various traumatic ways). I'm actually pretty mild compared to the list. (They had Untreated schizophrenia, bi polar and other issues). I have a mood disorder, ADD, depression, anxiety and my psychiatrist and I have been discussing BPD but he says I don't have the classic symptoms but i have a lot of them. All of which i was medicated for, until getting pregnant. Now him and his dr have been working on his diagnosis but most of all his abandonment issues. losing his kids affects him deeply and affects him always. They were lost because not only were his exs lying vindictive females but his mom is a piece of work too and they won't allow contact despite a court saying otherwise as he poses no threat to them and is a good father and raised his boys for years mostly on his own because his ex wife didn't help at all.

So that's a little of our history.

So Im not observant but i could tell something was off between us. One night while turning on his alarms for work (he forgot) someone named "Kelly" (is what we will call her) texted him. I looked back and they met on tinder and had been talking for about a week. So I asked him about it and he was upfront about it, didn't exactly hide it or anything and didn't realize tinder was a dating/hook up app (he can be simple sometimes lol) we talked about him and her, I was ok with it as long as he kept me reprised of what was going on. Id done the same with my ex as my ex and I split mutually after 15 years of on and off. If i was meeting Brian, my ex, I told him. If anything went down, i told him. (Like the time he got in a motorcycle accident and was torn up pretty bad I went to his house to help him.) No matter what I told him everything, he never had to ask. My ex was verbally abusive and the last straw he put hands on me and I on him (in self defense I left him with two black eyes, a broken rib). Brian and I are great friends... Terrible terrible in a relationship, not sure what it is but we turn toxic and fast. So there are no feelings there for me at all.

Anyways a week later he hadn't really said much but they had been talking about meeting in person. Well it seemed like all of a sudden he had picked up a driving shift and would be heard right by her. (In retrospect, this happened a lot his work always springs stuff on him and does not plan things out... Ever) However I thought this was sure weird given the timing with Kelly. So I did what I shouldn't of done, I looked through his phone. What I seen was heart breaking. He did plan on meeting with her that Saturday. I read through and noticed he'd been texting her...a LOT. He didn't flirt and did maintain telling her he was just interested in being friends. However she flirted a lot and the thing that had me seeing red was.... He never once mentioned he had a girlfriend.

It set me over the edge, i fumed all night. Didn't sleep. When he woke up that morning (Saturday). I tried to hold it in. But he knew something was wrong. I fought with it for hours. As i knew driving trips were stressful for him and i wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But he kept asking what was wrong... So i asked him what his plans were... Hoping he would just tell me and i could relax... He said work. So i was direct. "Are you meeting Kelly today" he said yes.

And that was the last thing I said,"well you need to choose, her...or me." And i left the bedroom to lay on the couch. Eventually he came down and started rearranging his closet and put my clothes in as I had brought that up as a thing that bothered me (living there but no where for my clothes, no place carved out as mine) I was destroyed emotionally. He kept trying to talk about the farm and future plans as we were planning on moving out there as soon as we could get a reliable car for him to commute. I was shut down, no one ever chose me over another so I was just blank with grief. I don't remember all of it (this is how i can usually identify my mood "spikes") but i said things like "why does it matter I'm leaving Monday anyways" and hurtful things like that. Not direct attacks but still hurtful. (Monday Was not my usual leaving day, i had to leave weds for work). He didn't kiss me good by, he always kissed me. Through the day I cried and stressed and generally emotionally abused myself. I texted him but received nothing.

That night he came back really upset. We argued. Through all that unbeknownst to me he didn't remember our talks about Kelly and keeping me updated. We argued now as I couldn't stop trying to defend myself. Then the next day we argued again. Then Monday we argued some more. Tuesday, his usual therapy day, his dr called in sick. Id put a lot into that day cause I wanted to get that resolved a little at least before I left weds for work. At this point he hadn't kissed even once, barely would hug me and was pretty shut down. I had a really hard time leaving for work after what Id said, I didn't want to leave as he was really sensitive about it and me saying i was going to leave, broke him. I had my dirty laundry in bags by the couch just incase he finally just told me to get out. He took that as I was moving out. So we argued about it again when i got back.

I was scared of losing him so I apologised... Like took a whole 2 days to write it up and get it right. We argued that night too. He still held it against me that he couldn't give me another chance because he gave all his exs multiple chances and they all ended the same... With him hurt. I maintained I was different. We continued to argue and finally this week he admitted he had played a part and we were both to blame. He kissed me that night once but not again. He also shifted a little from ' you are just like my exs to i just don't want the cycle to keep going and i get hurt again' That Sunday he met with Kelly. He asked me to leave, For awhile. Most painful thing I've ever done. He didn't text me even once in the 4hrs. Even though he had never ignored a single text from her (that i know of).

So he comes back and tells me he told her about me. But he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend... He said i was a friend who stayed at his house from time to time. Well insert new tail spin. When he got home though he was unusually riled up over something his daughter's mom was doing. So i tried to bite my tongue. But a few misplaced questions and next thing I know we are fighting again. This time he tells me we are just friends and that he doesn't see this going anywhere, that he kissed Kelly because at least she didn't threaten to leave him and I destroyed his trust. Of course i begged for a second chance to show him.

Tuesday came again and this time he cancelled therapy in favor of another dr appt he forgot about to get fixed(vasectomy). Though i did remind him to reschedule... I felt like he was trying to plan ahead for a time without me. We argued really bad this night.

It felt so unfair, he was holding the deeds of his exs against me. Again I had to work and returned to his house the next day. This time I was a little better prepared after doing some reading. We had a civilized talk and started figuring things out. I slept on the couch since we were not together. His hugs became frequent and sincere. And that brings us to yesterday. I had appts so i went to those then came back with the intent of going to the farm for the weekend cause he had plans for Sunday with her. (Dr put me on one of my mood stabilizers.) He said he didn't really want me to go. I said I really should, i need to get out of the way so he and Kelly can have a healthy relationship without me mucking it up. He said he doesn't really feel anything for her and he still cares about me. He missed me a lot when I'm gone. (Which he has maintained throughout this)

I said he needs to forget about me, I'll always be his friend but I can't stick around. He sighed and nodded and said he didn't want to. We ate dinner and we made plans for the following weekend to help an older lady get ready for winter and he would stay out at the farm. We danced around the conversation and asked if I had plans for the weekend, i was truthful,i didn't he said will maybe I could stay. I said well im really sore i need to stretch out, the couch was killing me. He said he could sleep there (he's 6 foot and its a love seat) and he had to work in the shop, i wasnt going to kick him out of his bed. So he asked if I was going to stay then and we could do something together. I hesitated and said i was welcome in his bed, he would even keep his clothes on ( we used to sleep in the nude) as I told him I didn't do FWB. So we laid down and went to sleep. In my sleep I had cuddled up to him out of habit. I went to pull away and he just sighed and pulled me closer. We cuddled all night. That morning he kissed me good morning and that kiss, well I kinda made it a lot more. *Cough* pregnancy hormones are real... We had sex twice. (If he's not emotionally involved with someone he has a very hard time getting off, he got off both times) We cuddled the rest of the morning until he had to be up for work. He hugged me a long moment before going to work. He is regularly texting me and contacting me. Now I'm trying to come up with a game plan on how to draw him back from the edge. He's supposed to hit up therapy on tuesday. I've got appts here in town (otherwise its a 45 min drive from the farm and I'm really low on cash to the point I wouldn't make it back to town till next Friday after I leave) I've got my case worker tuesday, therapist weds and then work Thursday but if leave weds night and return Friday or Saturday.

So do I stay to continue to show him I can be old me (which is essentially what he wants to see since his exs would devolve into a cycle of arguments, like we have been for 2 weeks) then leave Saturday as we planned. He is spending Sunday with Kelly. He would like me back on Monday and possibly make plans for Sunday night with just us if Kelly has work.

Do I tell him that if he sleeps with her I don't think I could come back from that? Do I give him space despite the fact he wants anything but that? Do I say anything about this morning? What should I do? Do I continue to sleep with him, physically? If I say no to sex he will honor it and never pushes it. Just not sure I trust myself...to say no. Or do I take up the couch again? Help. he's not the usual lying, guy only out for sex. He's respectful and very very sensitive. So all the stuff I've found doesn't take those guys into account. And I know he is very very hurt but seems to slowly be coming around and plus he has therapy on Tuesday too. I just don't know what to do...i do know cutting communication 100% with him will trigger his past for him and that's the recommendation usually for this situation.