Someone mentioned the Nuremberg Trials in another thread and I couldn't help but laugh (not a the person, but at the fact that I didn't know exactly what the Nuremberg Trials were). When I read up on it for a short bit, I then imagined a huge outcry between two different parties, and for some reason that made me laugh. The other thing that made me laugh was when I responded to that person and admitted my ignorance of the Nuremberg Trials, and then I imagined that the person just laughed at me and rolled his/her eyes - which would have been fine since I can handle that kind of feedback, especially when I am self-aware about my ignorance on topics that I wasn't able to pay attention in grade school/high school. I was laughing in my mind at myself with them, even though I have no idea if I upset that person. I've had many friends in real life laugh at my ignorance, which showed me evidence of my inability to concentrate as a child due to my traumas, etc. I can concentrate pretty well, or relatively well considering my use of many therapeutic tools offered to me over the years, but I laugh whenever I come across some topic or phrase that most people know but I don't. It may seem off-putting or sad to others, but to me it is funny because it is an area I can learn and also laugh about. I cry sometimes, too, but I laughed so much about that last night - in private, by myself - that I felt good laughing for a change. It's a strange type of humor, I guess.

PS: I also have an alter I integrated with a while back whose name was Gloria. She was funny, but she also used laughter to avoid painful feelings. I tend to do that now, which isn't good. I should feel saddened by the fact that I don't know certain things that most people do, but I really wanted to laugh and it just came naturally. I hope that was okay for me. I think comedians do this naturally all the time, too. In fact, one of my veteran friends in the past had told me that she thinks I'd make a great sarcastic stand-up comedian. Little did she know that I actually have stage freight. When I won multiple awards at both a community college and at a university, I wanted to get off the stage as soon as I got on it to receive my awards. The Provost/chancellor of the university I had attended even said, while we were on stage, "You don't want this award, do you." His funny remark (he was laughing when he said that) was in response to my taking the award and proceeding off the stage immediately thereafter, which occurred right before someone stopped me at the other end of the stage to push me back to the center of the stage to take a picture with the Provost and others and face the 5,000 students (my peers). I turned red, and my photos turned out funny because of it. My peers whom I knew were all comforting. One gave me a hug. I almost called in sick that day. So, no, I wouldn't make for a great sarcastic comedian at all. I cannot even write a joke let alone tell one. But I love to hear good humor.

It's funny how I was so brave before my military traumas that I was able to get in people's faces and really speak my mind. After the traumas, I felt afraid to be assertive. I could always get on stage with a group of people, but I never wanted to be the center of the stage. Some people dream of it, and when I won the awards and experienced it, I wanted no more to do with the center-stage thing. I felt so exposed. But, the important thing is, I laughed about it, and so did the Provost/chancellor.