You have permission to laugh at me... or with me... even when I'm afraid and acting all sorts of weird...

Although I had went through police training (I was never a cop, but did the training) and enlisted in the military, and although my past life pre-military-traumas encompassed my being comfortable with authority figures, I FEAR ALL AUTHORITY FIGURES TODAY.

Why?



Regardless of the why (or potential etiologies), fearing authority figures today is really tough. I constantly worry about what they think of me, or what they can do to me based on what they think of me. I fear having my reputation, future, physical health, and mental health ruined by those who abuse their power. I respect and love police, but still fear them. I respect and love our military, but still fear them, including veterans at times, even though I'm a veteran. I respect and love therapists, but I fear those who can abuse their power in therapy. I respect and love professors, but I fear those who can abuse their power in academic settings. I respect and love our government, but I fear those who can abuse their power in policy and public administration.

Applying for graduate school involves my fears of authority. The institution of academia is already intimidating enough. I have enough (not much) psychological hardiness and self-efficacy to succeed, but only if I'm not victimized on campus or a victim of someone's abuse of power. I may be able to assert myself well in most cases, but sometimes I'm not when I cower.

Even here I fear what some of the professionals reading our comments think about me or those like me. (Yes, you can laugh, but this is serious. I am afraid. I've been harmed physically, psychologically, academically, relationally, reputationally, monetarily, and professionally by those in positions of power throughout my adult life, not so much my childhood life).

It's easier said than done to not care about what others think when, in fact, the world operates on that very thing - what others think! It's important to be able to relate to others and have a healthy dose of give-and-take, and that involves what others think and what I think about others. So that approach is wrong, or just not as rational as others would like to claim.

I know that I've learned helplessness, but I was in fact helpless and powerless when I was abused from someone in a position of power with more clout and resources than I have. Unlearning helplessness through assertiveness is one thing, but even then, your assertiveness may be gaslit, undermined, overlooked, or mocked. I've experienced both the benefits and pitfalls of being assertive - in the right ways, that is (assertiveness with respect, as opposed to aggression).

I also know what it feels like to be used and taken advantage of, so I fear authority figures for that reason, too.

And even though I've met such wonderful people in positions of power who have not harmed me, it still is not enough to desensitize me from the potential harms that a person in power could inflict on me.

Finally, because of all the above, I'm afraid of taking on a position of power of any kind. What if I become the monster? What if I internalized those in powers through my recurrent nightmares or intrusive thoughts that I'm becoming like them? What if I'm like those scenes where Harry Potter has a part of He Who Must Not Be Named inside of him, which is why he could speak snake language? What if I am like that?

Self-sabotage, not really. Fear of failure, maybe. Fear of success, possibly. Fear of identifying with and becoming the perpetrator, most likely.

So, applying for graduate school has brought up these feelings for me. Graduate school involves authority figures as well as me training to be an authority figure. Eek!

But, it's a dream of mine. Graduate school is something I don't want others to squash or block. It's something that tells me that I know what my self-worth is. It's something that I can learn to become a better person, with the right guides. It's something that can help me overcome my fears in indirect ways. It's something that can reinforce the good in me, instead of the internalized bad.

Nevertheless, the feelings remain. I'm afraid of authority figures.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want my life back before the harms in the military injured me. I want to be strong again, but how?