Hi there! I'm a 23 years old male from Spain. I suffer from depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I have never had any IRL friends or boyfriend (I'm gay) No one really loves or cares about me. I need friends and a love... Will you listen to my story?
I'll go by chronological order... First thing that I know about my life is that when I was just a baby one day my father was working and
A This could be partially why my mental health is so ruined.
When I was 3 years old I began school (it's mandatory in Spain between ages 3 and 15) My teacher soon noticed that I did not socialize with the other kids at all. She recommended my parents that they took me to a psychologist. They did... once. After that and for unknown reasons (my parents won't tell me why), they wouldn't take me to mental health again until 10 years later in my life.
When I was 4 my parents split up. This finished my possibilities of having a brother or sister... My whole childhood was going from home to school, and from school back to home, and be home with my mother all day until the following day. I remember we fought a lot, specially because she didn't give me much attention. One day a week I'd be with my father instead and the weekends I'd spend with my father's parents. My mother's parents I would see very rarely.
In primary and secondary school I was always bullied for being smart, ugly and gay. I didn't admit being gay to others until I was 16, but I always knew it myself and everyone in school "knew" because I never had a girlfriend and because of my girl voice. When I was 11 years old I fell in love for the first time, but I never had the courage to tell him and a year later he got a girlfriend. I would spend my days crying in my room, while my mother just ignored me pretending nothing happened.
In secondary school the bullying only got worse even becoming physical, and my feelings of loneliness grew exponentially. When I was 13 I exploded, I was always depressive as a child but at 13 my depression reached its peak. First thing I did was ask my parents for help, but they didn't take me seriously. As such I became suicidal and that's when I got to mental health again. Psychologists, psychiatrists and medicines always felt useless to me. My father would say to me that I was only pretending so as to not have to study while I was in the hospital.
At age 16 I decided to give up on life so I dropped school. That's also when I started to look for a boyfriend online, so my parents eventually found out I am gay. My father and I didn't want to see each other at the time and my mother, being a religious person, hated me being gay, so I had to move with my father's parents for 6 months.
At 17 years old my mother couldn't pay the house's rent anymore so we had to move with her parents. However, her parents don't accept me at all so I was kicked out after 6 months. This forced me to move with my father, since my other grandparents were living with my aunt and she didn't accept me either.
By this time my father had a girlfriend (currently wife) and they lived together. She didn't take long to hate me. When I was 18 years old my father's girlfriend told my father that either he kicked me out of the house (leaving me homeless indeed) or she dumped him. My father was going to choose her. My father's words: "even if you have to live on the square and sleep on a bench". My father's girlfriend's words: "live under a bridge, there you won't bother anyone". In the end we made a deal, I would continue studying and they would not kick me.
I finished my mandatory level studies, however my father's girlfriend still wanted me away. In the end I was forced to move to a shared house for students. The day I moved there I was so anxious, shaking, wanting to vomit all the time. It was my first time living with unknown people, and everything all of a sudden. I was terrified, and didn't even have dinner. The following day I heard the news: the other two students, who were friends, told the house owner that she had to kick me out or they left. As such I was back with my father and his girlfriend.
It wasn't long until my father's girlfriend left and dumped him. As such, my father's only way out was to pay a house's rent for me and my mother to live in. This way he recovered his girlfriend. Now we live in a small one bedroom house.
My father stopped talking to me last 15th June. This week he said he won't be paying the full rent anymore, so now I'll have to use part of my disability money for it (I'm 65% disabled) The disability money in Spain isn't much but enough to pay for that, plus internet and phone. And if you work you lose it.
And that's basically my life. I hope you enjoyed my personal "horror movie". I just need friends and a boyfriend...