I'd feel better if I wasn't alone but hopefully nobody is because it's hell. Often I wonder if my life is just a dream, a nightmare and some evil beings are studying me, messing with me. How could life be so horrible?

Serious trigger warning...

The other day I came so close to . It feels natural. I've gone through this cycle probably over a hundred times where something will set me off. So far I always change my mind. My mom or someone. And I end up feeling bad that if I followed through they'll be in a lot of pain. This time my mom said she wants a hug from me. But this time, after hugging her, I was so tired of this endless cycle that I forced myself to not think of her, but to avail I broke down and started letting myself to think of her and within a half hour I finally just gave up on my forest quest. Once again I felt defeated.

This time
After it was over, the next day I woke up and my body literally felt like it was hit by a truck. Has anyone felt that way? It's as if my state of mind caused a lot of physical damage. Is it caused by sadness, depression? Sure enough after a few weeks, or a month, I always eventually feel on top of the world, but then eventually something triggers me and I go through the same hell, planning out my one way trip. Sometimes it only lasts a few hours. Sometimes it last days. Fortunately I always want to spend a few days planning everything out. This time it was Sedona. Last time it was Angeles forest. Time before that I think it was Death Valley. Time before that I think it was the Bigfoot Scenic Byway in northern California.

Anyway I just felt like venting, was wondering if anyone has ever felt the same.