When I was discharged, I felt ashamed and didn't know what was going on with me. I wasn't diagnosed with any mental disorders while in service or even upon discharge, so it took a little while for me to get a PTSD diagnosis in the civilian world. Between discharge and my PTSD diagnosis, I was in and out of emergency room all the time. I had difficulties with my old high school friends. I wound up being in an abusive relationship with a very insecure but cruel man, and I couldn't even fight back. The strong person I knew was gone - forever. All the training I went through - gone, too. It's as if part of my memories and who I was back then were erased, with only fragmented memories remaining to keep me somewhat sane. I couldn't even face my family upon discharge.

For fear of many years prior to my enrolling in the VA system, I felt I couldn't say anything about my military traumas at all, so I maintained "confidentiality" while attributing my symptoms to childhood traumas, and sometimes even pretending that my military traumas were my childhood traumas, out of avoiding disclosing my military traumas. I know that sounds weird, but I felt scared to say anything negative about the military I served under. So I maintained secrecy and confused both my therapists and myself all those years. I feel as though civilian therapists NEED to be trained to understand military traumas so that when they have a veteran client, they are aware of their adulthood traumas and not just their childhood traumas. It's just different. Thankfully, the VA finally relieved me of my concerns of disclosing my military traumas in treatment, though I cannot remember them all, and I still have a very hard time discussing my military traumas. I can discuss my adulthood traumas and childhood traumas relatively okay, but it's harder for me to discuss my military traumas for some reason.