It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'm sorry that you have all that to deal with but I think you're brave and resilient to have made it this far and to still be working to get a handle on it, and seeking your true self.

Growing up I didn't even know that it was possible to have a gender identity different from what you were assigned at birth. "Transgender" was a mental illness and a sin. I spent so many years trying to fit myself into the expectations of everyone around me, and constantly feeling that I was broken because I couldn't. It was an enormous sense of freedom and relief to finally stop trying and just be myself, whatever that might be. (Not remotely as easy as that might sound)

I'm probably demi-sexual with a preference for men, but I'm finding that my attractions are more fluid as I get older. I identify as non-binary because that's much easier than saying that I'm gender-fluid and drift between fairly masculine female, genderless, and male. Occasionally rather feminine male, just to make it all more confusing. Sometimes I'm ok with who and what I am, but other times I have so much body dysmorphia that I can barely stand it.

I don't think it really matters so much why you feel as you do about your gender, whether it's from trauma or just something that you've always been. Your gender is whatever you feel that it is. That's part of who you are regardless of all the rest. If it feels right to you, even if it's only sometimes, then it's real.

A more important question to think about might be whether you 'want' to be a man to avoid or escape things like hormones and powerlessness, or you sometimes feel that you are a man and those things are causing you distress because they don't match up with that identity. In other words, which is causing you the most distress, the desire to be a man, or the desire to escape from female body issues and powerlessness. Focus on that first and see if you can maybe find a little more clarity.

Try not to put pressure on yourself to decide on a gender. Explore the idea, kind of try on the label, maybe find small ways to express that identity, and see how it feels. If it feels right, then explore it some more.