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TunedOut · Oct 13, 2019 at 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lillib

@TunedOut

Sadly, when I attended a MST support group at the VA a while back, there were both veterans and uniformed active duty in that group with us. I looked around the room and cried. I kept thinking, "If only I said something years ago, maybe this would have prevented at least some of these veterans and enlisted from getting harmed." Some of the younger uniformed military personnel - all from different branches (I was the only one from the Marines) - reminded me of me being so young. We never had those support groups back then, and today I kept thinking about how brave those soldiers were to come forward and seek treatment. I wept, thanked my therapist for suggesting the group, and explained why I couldn't return.

My homecoming felt shameful, and I avoided family. That was the first step to my healing back in 2017, when I found the courage to come forward and seek treatment at the VA.

Why did the other Marines question me about my experiences, and then apologize to me? I was on bed rest, ill and unfit for duty, ashamed and dissociated, hidden and afraid. Showering with crutches and striking pain shooting down my pelvic bone to the bottom of my fractured foot only made my shame worse. Naked and showered, I felt dirty and alone. A fellow female marine had to help me put my clothes on, and consoled me when I cried in pain. She cried with me, which helped. I can't even remember their names. I can't even remember the questions that were asked of me. I only remember saying that I don't remember.

And a lot of me does not want to remember. I just want to grieve the losses, and I want to move on with some positives in my life. I also want to tell anyone to please take my ideas for research and run with it, because this MST thing needs to stop, and the potential pain that MST offenders may be going through might relate to moral injuries and their rituals, or some other reason. Maybe that stuff is all supposed to be contained within their security clearances, so maybe military psychologists can at least contain such research in secret, but still conduct it nonetheless so that the MST can stop, and so that such offenders in arms could get the healing they need to prevent them from behavioral misconduct in the future. Maybe serving as a female or transgender or short male soldier might be more fair, and maybe we might work harder together to defend our nation with the duty, honor, and courage that we were told was part of our training. How is MST a duty? Or honorable? Or courageous?

This is all I can say, but I had to get it out.

Your thinking that, "If only I said something years ago, maybe this would have prevented at least some of these veterans and enlisted from getting harmed." sounds like shame but please don't feel ashamed--everyone is only equipped to handle so much. You did not cause harm. Eventually, if you might be able to handle associating with a support group--without feeling guilt (if you want to). We know we have healed somewhat when we feel less guilt.

I think there is a good chance you will eventually move on somewhat

, it is just that you first have to experience all of the fear, anxiety, shame (though you have nothing to be ashamed of )

for a while while you are examining this.

I can only imagine how hard it is--when I was processing something less traumatic--I woke up everyday for a while dizzy with panic attacks which went on for hours. I think when I talked about some stuff, I would dream about it at night and that can cause me to wake up with extreme anxiety. I assume you are going through an extreme version of this right now.

All that eventually ended for me and I went on to deal with other, more current problems in my life. It is debillitating to process trauma but, it will, hopefully, get less intense and therefore, less debillitating. I pray that you will get there too.