I don't know if this ever will be read but here it goes..
My therapist has feelings for me, and I don't know what to do, what to feel, and I feel so alone and stupid

She's been my therapist for about 5 years. A couple of years ago I started noticing small things, how her eye lashes were going off, I was amazed how a human being could blink so many times. Body language etc. I knew what it was, but I was afraid to say. I just felt hopeless in trying to talk about it, I thought about this thing how every reflection I see in my therapist is just a reflection of my mind, supposedly.
I took that to heart and swallowed whatever I was seeing.
It really messed with my head, am I attracted to her, but I can't feel it? Am I so out of touch with myself I don't even know? I thought about it alot, do I want her? I'd rather be with her than no one, but I'm not in love, I'd take her over no one.
I told her this, but more on that later on..

About 1 year ago I feel in deeply in love with a woman, and it took a while for me to open up about it to my therapist, and when I did she responded "Oh, I'm used to that" She thought I was deeply in love with her.

After that it's just gotten worse, and I ignored her signals and body language, since we have not done anything inappropriate, this is a fact.
But just before she went on vacation she said "If you can't GET I like you, how will you EVER understand a woman likes you?" It was inappropriate, but I admire her honesty. And it was helpful for me because it helped me understand I was not crazy for seeing all these things my intuition was telling me.
I just wish I could go back to that moment and explore it more, because at the time I was so burned out from her talking, it's the thing, her interest has gotten more intense, one of the consequences of this is that she talks SO MUCH, I confronted her about this "Hey, it's been 20 minutes, I haven't gotten as much as a syllable in this conversation"
and I don't know what to do. She's jealous, she brings up how "Oh, you know how this woman you met was always there for you? I've always been there for you, every tuesday" "You think I do this for every patient?"
I'm conflicted if she's doing this because This deep sense of connection and love would be beneficial our therapeutic alliance, or does she want it for her self?

I think she feels unappreciated and unattractive. I remember when I told her about a woman at my workplace which everyone says, and which I see also, is crazy about me, but I have no feelings toward her and I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt her. I told my therapist about this scenario and her words were "Oh, is she THAT unattractive you're not even flattered?" I took this as a self-reflection from her part, since I had said nothing about this persons looks, and I've explained how one of the things that shook me with the woman I met before was how she was one of the most unattractive human beings I had every laid eyes upon, yet somehow the most beautiful human being on earth which took me along while to process. She ought to know looks is not an issue, nor does she have any hints as to what I think about the woman at work's appearance.

I'm sorry it's gotten quite long, I've held this in for the better part of 3 years, out of 5 total.

And the question I ask myself is, why am I still in therapy? I'm not helped by therapy, quite the opposite. But I haven't lost the spark for it. I kind of know this person, I know she won't accept talking about this topic, I know I have to wait 45 minutes before I can have any sort of meaningful conversation, I like how she looks at me, I like how she gives me special treatment. I admit to it. I think I'm curious what will become of it. I think I'm just pushing boundaries at this point. I do feel bad for it. I've tried other therapists, but I loose interest, they don't challenge me, nor does she, other than I'm willing to push through her cold shell, just so see what lies beneath. I'm like that, I'm curious see what trues lies within people. And so I've gotten stuck in the same position in therapy as with all others.
I'm sorry for the long text, I think i'm mentalizing. I'm still not sure what to make of all this, I don't want to quit, nor do I want to stay. I want her to be like the first year or so, all the flirting has been tiresome, yet alluring. I'm curious how she can be so cold, yet so hungering for more. The sessions are supposed to be 45 minutes, but we are up at a record-breaking 90 minutes for the last few weeks. Part of craves the attention. And part of me thinks it's all wrong.
Thank you for listening.