I figured this is where this post should go, but please move it if it belongs elsewhere.

So, I went to T today and we started talking about how I am not “connected” all the time due to dissociating and she wanted to teach me a grounding technique. I agreed and she asked if I wanted to try it or if I wanted to draw a tree. I told her I would like to try as I learn better by *doing* rather than reading about it or hearing about it.

She started by asking me what type of tree I wanted to be and I said a Eucalyptus. That was the type of tree that grew where I grew up and I always ran away to this one park where there were hundreds and hundreds of these trees and I just felt very safe amongst them. It took me about 10 minutes to describe the trees, leaves, smells, scenery, etc. It was so beautiful and it was a safe place for me because no one could ever find me there.
Anyways, she told me to put my feet on the floor and my hands on my lap. Then she told me to close my eyes and image me being the tree and my feet are the roots. She told me to imagine my feet being rooted to the ground and well….that was when I started to lose it.
She asked me what it felt like and I told her that I felt trapped and stuck….I can’t move….I can’t run…. She asked what I can’t get away from, why was I feeling stuck? I started having a really bad panic attack and I told her that I can’t do this. She said “OK, open your eyes” and I couldn’t. I put my hands to my face and started to cry. I couldn’t breathe. She placed her hand on my leg and told me to breathe and even breathed with me.
After I was able to calm down just a little she asked me to describe the tree again. What it felt like, what it smelled like, etc. It really helped to bring me back to a better place.
Then she asked me what I was feeling and thinking during my panic attack and was it a specific memory. I told her that it felt as though I was being chased around the house again by the step-monster and trying to escape and I couldn’t. I would run around and undo one lock at a time until they were all unlocked and then I would run out of the house and go as far as I could until she couldn’t see me anymore.

She apologized for triggering me and said that maybe we can approach it again later, but right now is not good. I apologized for getting so upset. She told me not to apologize, that it was perfectly fine and then she asked me to say “I am here and I am safe”…I couldn’t say it. I told her that I couldn’t say it…..she said it was ok.

At the end of the session when I was getting ready to leave I stood up and stuck out my hand for the usual hand shake. She took my hand and I stood there thinking “would it be inappropriate to ask for a hug?” and then she said out loud, “would it be ok if I gave you a hug or would it be awkward?” and I sort of laughed and told her that I was thinking the SAME thing! She reached up and gave me a hug. I sighed the biggest sigh and I asked, “how did you know I needed that?” and she said, “I just took a stab at it and asked”. I thanked her and told her I’d see her in two weeks (unless I can get time off work next week or if she has a cancellation)

Beau (the 19 y.o alter) is upset that I talked to her last week and this week about very “personal” things, so I am very concerned about him as last week I SI’d because of him.
I am going to just keep trying to think of the eucalyptus tree and my safe place!

BJ