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Originally Posted by Ember_42
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'm sorry that you have all that to deal with but I think you're brave and resilient to have made it this far and to still be working to get a handle on it, and seeking your true self.  |
Thank you! (((safe hugs back)))
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Growing up I didn't even know that it was possible to have a gender identity different from what you were assigned at birth. "Transgender" was a mental illness and a sin. I spent so many years trying to fit myself into the expectations of everyone around me, and constantly feeling that I was broken because I couldn't. It was an enormous sense of freedom and relief to finally stop trying and just be myself, whatever that might be. (Not remotely as easy as that might sound)
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I'm glad that you were able to find freedom and to finally be yourself. I'm so sorry that "transgender" was considered a "sin." That's horrible. (((hugs)))
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I'm probably demi-sexual with a preference for men, but I'm finding that my attractions are more fluid as I get older. I identify as non-binary because that's much easier than saying that I'm gender-fluid and drift between fairly masculine female, genderless, and male. Occasionally rather feminine male, just to make it all more confusing.  Sometimes I'm ok with who and what I am, but other times I have so much body dysmorphia that I can barely stand it.
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I'm going to have to look up all the terms you mentioned. I've heard of cisgendered (or what you may consider binary), as I identify as female (I'll explain more below). But I really wish I were non-binary and without all the female parts. I honestly don't even think I'd want to have any male parts either. I just wish I were a robot of some kind, a non-sexual (or what I think you mean as genderless).
What does demi-sexual mean? (Please forgive my ignorance.)
What does gender-fluid mean? (I know I can look these up, but just in case the definitions online are more textbook than cultural, I thought I'd ask you.)
(((Hugs))) I'm sorry you struggle with body dysmorphia.
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I don't think it really matters so much why you feel as you do about your gender, whether it's from trauma or just something that you've always been. Your gender is whatever you feel that it is. That's part of who you are regardless of all the rest. If it feels right to you, even if it's only sometimes, then it's real.
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Thank you so much!
I love existential, which I think is what this falls in. I am whom I perceive I am. Yay!
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A more important question to think about might be whether you 'want' to be a man to avoid or escape things like hormones and powerlessness, or you sometimes feel that you are a man and those things are causing you distress because they don't match up with that identity. In other words, which is causing you the most distress, the desire to be a man, or the desire to escape from female body issues and powerlessness. Focus on that first and see if you can maybe find a little more clarity.
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I sometimes want to be masculine, but I don't want male body parts. I don't have "penis envy," as Freud would say. To answer your question, honestly, I want to escape from all the problems I'm having with a female body. And given all the "masculine" jobs I've tried to go for (police training, military), I'd say that my identity is not the traditional "female path." I hate how they assign gender to jobs. Why can't I play with toy soldiers or Hotwheels? (I did love my Mork from Ork doll, however, which dates me back to the '80's.) I wish I could have been a "tomboy" more when I was a kid. And, if menopause means that I grow whiskers, why can't that be accepted? It was accepted on the "L Word," a show I used to watch (I still cannot figure out who killed Jenny, LOL).
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Try not to put pressure on yourself to decide on a gender. Explore the idea, kind of try on the label, maybe find small ways to express that identity, and see how it feels. If it feels right, then explore it some more.
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Given my DID (dissociative identity disorder/multiple personalities), even though often covert, I think "tomboy" fits my style more. I've heard from my peers in college tell me years ago that I look like a "tomboy" with some feminine traits when I have the energy to put on cosmetics (most days, I don't wear cosmetics). I hate pantyhose, but I wear them when I feel the need. I love pants - jeans, specifically. Even when I was thin and in shape, I'd prefer to wear pants. Heels just about ruined me! Boots - now that's more my style.
Mannerisms - yes, I belch, burp, pick my butt when I have a murph - but usually in the comfort of my home, and typically when I'm alone. I live alone, so I can do all these things. And, given my medical issues, flatulence is a daily problem with me. I don't care. Some men I've known really didn't care either. I will be "proper" in public, but then again, I rarely go out in public. I'm proper in school. But my appearances will fluctuate between tomboy to feminine. Sometimes I shock people. Sometimes people feel disgusted by me, especially when they say, "Just pick a style. Stop with all these changes." --It's the changes in appearances that are a part of me. I cannot help it. I'm multiple (by personality and by gender), so what? Can't I be ambidextrous? (Hey, that rhymed.)
Anyway, I feel better after speaking with you. One of my professional development mentors (a clinical psychologist, not my therapist, but acting in a professor/mentor role), she is all about asking people how they would like to be identified. Some like to say "hir" (I forgot what that meant), while others like to be called "they," I think. I just said the standard cisgender "she" or "her," for lack of all the different terms that they have. She's really cool, and she works with children. It's great to know that there are researchers/clinicians/professors who understand different identities.
I'm pretty ignorant of all this stuff, but I've always had identity issues.
It helps to know that I can find support for this here.