Tell me I'm wrong here.

My circle of friends has a rather ****ed up dynamic that, at times, is flat-out emotionally abusive, particularly between the parties who are romantically involved. I've since been distancing myself from the circle, in part from advice I've received here and in therapy after explaining some of the shenanigans that go down, but also because I'm trying to grow as a person and not be such an abrasive and controlling asshole. On the occasions I did hang out, I tried for a more hands-off approach. I'd stand up for myself, obviously, but I otherwise refrained from fighting with anyone (as much as it pained me). But I don't feel like I'm "becoming a better person." In fact, I kinda feel like I'm becoming insecure and beginning to doubt myself in ways I never did before. I was fine with this journey of self-improvement and didn't really care much about anyone else's opinion on the matter because it would be worth it once I finally figured something out.

Until another person joined our group. Natalie was a longtime friend of the group's "Regina George," but new to the rest of us. In the few short hours she spent with our group, she immediately secured a position I normally enjoy. She not only stood up for herself, but swiftly cut down every mean-spirited "joke" and called out every instance of the normal ******** that goes on, whether it was directed at her or not. I almost gave her a round of applause.

So here's about where the narcissism flared up. As everyone was gushing about Natalie and the ease with which she handled "Regina George," I was cast into the role of "lackey." One of Regina's lackeys, no less. The *******ed horror. Not that I care what any of them think. I define myself on my own terms. And I know that it's petty and immature to be so irrationally angry over a stupid, throwaway comment. It's fine. Everything's fine. Just ****ing fine.

I don't want to be a good person anymore.